The Little Things

Tonight, mike and I were having a lot of troubles. I blame myself for what we have been going through. I have just been feeling sad and overwhelmed with mike's mission being just around the corner. It is creeping up on me so fast and I have not handled it well at all. Alex Homer is home from his mission for medical reasons and I have felt so much jealousy towards him and Jordan, his girlfriend. It has caused things to be bad for me and mike. Lately I have just been an emotional wreck. I get mad or upset about every little thing. Mike feels as though he will never be good enough. There are so many things that we have been fighting about and it is just getting out of hand. I guess I saw what I have done and I guess we pretty much hit rock bottom today. It made me rethink how I have been acting. The fact that mike was even thinking about taking a break hurt me to no end. All I could see was darkness without him. I was scared. I went over to his house and we talked about everything. I cried and we talked. I was hurt at the fact that all of this had been caused by me and the fact that I am never satisfied. I had been stupid. I wasn't being grateful for the wonderful relationship I had. I was just focusing on the fact that mike was leaving and that I didn't want him to. The fact is that he is going and I need to just face it. It really hit me when he asked if he could just be alone for the night and think about things and decide what he wanted to do about this. I didn't want that. I couldn't walk away knowing not what would happen. I could not let the one I love walk away from me. I would never be able to forgive myself.

So, we talked and we prayed. And we decided that everything would be all right. I apologized for my behavior and I told him how much I loved him. I feel like we really got out our feelings and had a good talk. His dad ended up coming in to ask us if we wanted to eat. When he saw me crying he asked if we were okay. That was when mike lost it. Tim even cried a little. He talked to us and he made me feel so much better. This made me feel so close to him. He was so sensitive and understanding towards what we are going through. I am so grateful. I stayed and had dinner with them. It was so nice.

I realize that I just need to be happy with the now. I need to not worry about the future as much as I do. I need to just be happy with where I am at. I need to make mike feel loved and like he has my full support. I don't want him to feel like I don't want him to serve his mission. I want him to feel like I am one of his greatest supports. I know that I can get to this point with him. I just need to change my thinking. I am so lucky and blessed with the people in my life.