the calm before the storm - CABO!

We've got a big month coming up ahead of us, so it was amazing to be able to get away and take our minds off of things. Cabo was a little oasis for us to relax and just be carefree. Dan's grandma has a timeshare, which we are lucky enough to be able to use! When our Kauai trip got canceled because of Covid, Sarah and Nic invited us to come along with them to Cabo! We are so glad we took them up on their offer. 

We had so much fun relaxing by the pool (which is where we spent about half of our time haha). I got to finish my book and take naps and it was glorious. We also got to do jet skis, massages in a hut on the beach, and eat LOTS of yummy food. It was pretty funny - while getting our massages, I could feel her start to untangle my hair with some oil. The next thing I knew, she was braiding it. Everyone laughed when I stood up with a braid in my hair! Haha! 

Thank goodness for Sarah (who should probably just move to Cabo). She showed us around everywhere, knew all of the great places to eat, and argued with all the peddlers on the beach trying to rip us off! 

This is when Dan tipped us over on the jet ski and I thought I was being attacked by a shark...

On the last night, we went to a rooftop bar at a resort and it was BEAUTIFUL! Glass walls, the view of waves crashing below us, the stars, the lights from the city - it was all amazing. We had some of the yummiest drinks and appetizers and spent way too much money there. But it was so fun chatting and dancing the night away! Sarah and Nic might get married there this year! 

I'm definitely missing warm weather and endless Pina Coladas! We will be back soon, Cabo! 

hope

Lately, I've thought a lot about trials. 

We're all put through these trials in life that sometimes feel so heavy you simply don't think you can go on. Everyone has them - hard, ugly, heartbreaking trials. What I've been thinking about lately is how although my trial seems too heavy for me at times, I'd never swap someone for their trial instead. 

But, ugh, life can be so brutal and totally unfair. 

Last year, at this time, some of my family and I sat around a table making a vision board for 2020 with all the things we imagined for the year. Well, you can probably guess mine had some things about getting pregnant. Now, here we are a year later and that simply didn't happen for us in 2020, which completely crushes me to my core. I had no idea last year this time that I'd go through another year of infertility. I was so naive. 

Since June, I've had five close friends and my sister announce that they are pregnant. Six people. Each announcement came with pure happiness for them, but the utmost jealousy of what we can't quite seem to get right. It's a totally unfair feeling. There have been many days and nights where I've felt so paralyzed with fear that it just simply isn't part of our story. 

This past year has been filled with lots of crying, anger (oh, the anger), shots, medication, countless visits to the doctor's office (most alone because of Covid), so many messages on MyChart, heartbreak after heartbreak, negative pregnancy tests, getting our hopes up only to be let way down again, pregnancy symptoms to trick my brain, and days where I just simply couldn't move because I was filled with such anger and sadness. 

In December, we did our third IUI. We had a lot of hope. I've heard of a lot of people having luck on their third, so I thought maybe it would be our lucky time too. It wasn't. It failed. I look back at these pictures and it breaks my heart for these people I see in them. We had a lot of hope that day. Dan even wore his lucky Christmas sweater. By the way, it was his first time getting to come to one of these appointments with me, which made it even more special. We got lunch after at Knickerbockers and it just felt like a really good day. I had a lot of hope throughout all of the special holiday things, thinking this could be it for us. Well, it simply wasn't. I started my period on New Year's Eve. Talk about ending the year with a bang. 

Now, you'll probably remember that I titled this post "hope". While we feel defeated, exhausted, and utterly heartbroken, we are choosing to pick up all of our broken pieces from 2020 and move into the new year with hope. I think that will be my word this year. I need it. 

Our original plan was to give ourselves until May to see if anything happens before starting IVF, but we simply can't wait. A few nights before I started my period, as I was beginning to prepare myself for the hurt that a third failed IUI would bring, we made a decision. With tears in my eyes, I told Dan that I don't want to do anymore IUIs and that I'm ready to move on to IVF now. I have to say, I've been having this thought for months, but I knew Dan wasn't ready. So I was surprised when he responded that he was ready to move on too. Wow, talk about 900 pounds lifted off my shoulders. 

So, we have our IVF consultation scheduled for January 12th. We're hoping to start stims sometime in the beginning of February and if the first one takes, we could potentially find out we're pregnant in March. 

That's the scary part. It's not a 100% guarantee it will work and it's a whole lot of money. It kind of feels like we are playing with fire here, but this is our best chance at this point. I actually am not sure of the exact success rate for our age at our clinic. I'll know that soon. But I know it's somewhere in the 60%-70% range per cycle. Which, is really good. Our chance of success with IUI was only 12%. 

IVF will not be easy. This is a totally different ball game from IUIs. I hope I can be strong throughout the process. 

So, here we go. I want to document as much of this journey as I can. I hope very soon that I'll have some good news and can finally announce that I'm pregnant. I have a lot of hope. I feel terrified, excited, and anxious! But, Dan and I are in this together and we're determined to do anything it takes for this to be successful. 

We feel blessed that we GET to do IVF. We know that so many people out there never get the chance at a family like this. 

2020 still let us have some fun...

While 2020 was an odd year and a really hard one at that, we still managed to have some fun and do a little traveling. I just wanted to drop some photos here since I got a little behind on blogging. 

In May, we got to go to La Verkin with my family for a little getaway. We had so much fun just hanging out and going out on the razors! Dan and Jord loved showing us around and scaring us all a little. We even managed to get the razors stuck one day and it sure was fun getting them out... we all thought we'd be sleeping there! 

At the end of May, we took a trip to San Rafael Swell with Geo, Allie, and Woodrow. We had so much fun camping with them, having some great chats, and making great food! We took the razors, which made it so we got to see SO many cool sights! It was definitely a hidden treasure. On our way out, we made our way to The Wedge and The Little Grand Canyon. Everything was so amazing! We sure love our time with Allie and Geo. Tilly loves her time with Woodrow as well! Oh, and Tilly actually loved the razor. 

In June, we had a fun visit from Sarah and Nic! We took them up to the Beal cabin in Midway to spend some time with Danny's family and Katie! We had so much fun just hanging out, playing with the boys, and going on razor rides.

We had a fun little trip down south with Dan's parents in July. We got to visit SEVEN places, all within a few days! It was pretty cool and nice to spend some quality time with them. We went to The Little Grand Canyon, Canyonlands, Capitol Reef, San Rafael Swell, Arches, Goblin Valley, and Dead Horse Point State Park. 

I got to go on a fun girl's trip with my friends in September! We had fun visiting Jennie in Colorado, getting drunk, eating yummy food, visiting Rocky Mountain National Park, going to the haunted Stanley Hotel, wine tasting, and walking down main street. We had so much just laughing and being together. I sure love these people. 

In September, I also went to Lake Powell for Tay's birthday. Her family, Jennie, and Madi also went. It was so nice to relax in the sun, have some good laughs, and just be together. Definitely some of my favorite memories! 

We had the BEST time in Couer d'Alene in October. It was seriously so relaxing and beautiful. We stayed in the cutest little cottage, had some great food, hiked a lot, and got to see amazing sights. We loved being able to see it with the fall colors and the snow! This is definitely one of my favorite vacations we've taken together. Dan was especially obsessed with all of the little mom and pop restaurants. 

The last trip we took this year was a road trip with Tilly to California to visit Dan's family for Thanksgiving. Tilly had so much fun staying with her dog cousins. We got to see lots of Dan's family, relax, and have a yummy Thanksgiving! Dan made sweet potato pie and we also made sweet potato casserole and our yummy baked carrots. 

So, while 2020 was pretty rough in a lot of ways, it was also a very amazing year! We got to do and see so many cool things and make some pretty amazing memories. 

xoxo
Kenz