It has taken me a couple of months to find it in me to write out Danny's birth story. While it ends with a beautiful baby boy named Danny in our arms, it also involves a lot of heartbreak and trauma. I guess that's why I've put off writing it down. I knew that when I finally did, it would bring up a lot of emotions. I still want to remember the day this sweet soul joined our family, although it hurts a lot too.
So, here we are. I *think* I'm finally ready.
I want to start by giving a little back information.
We prepared long and hard for this birth. Both of us - together. His birth was supposed to be the big shining moment at the end of a really long and painful journey. We were supposed to cry tears of joy when he came out and say that it was all worth it, as we embraced as a new family of three. Dan was supposed to pull him out and announce that he was a boy (we didn't know the baby was a "he"). We were supposed to hold him and smell him and study all the little things about our new baby. We were supposed to sit in the stillness of this new life that we'd created and waited so long for.
But it really wasn't like that.
Danny met this world by being taken out of his mom, thrown into a bed and hooked up to machines, surrounded by medical professionals. I first met myself as a mother with a quiet sadness and loneliness, waking up and realizing what had just happened, longing to be with my new baby. How could this have happened? It was all for nothing. I went through all of that just for this to happen. All of that work for nothing. Those are the things that kept running through my head and some of them I was even saying out loud.
It wasn't easy getting Danny to us in the first place. We worked long and hard to get him here. After going through years of trying with no success, we moved to fertility treatments and finally had success with our second IVF transfer. I thought after all that, his birth was going to be a bright spot. I guess I kind of thought we deserved that after all we'd been through. I thought it would heal me from all of the pain of infertility. I imagined it. I was so excited. I prepared so hard for it. Months of birth classes with Dan. Months of stretching to prepare my body to do what it was made to do. We were a team and we were so ready. I spent so many moments in the car, listening to my birth playlist, crying, and thinking about how special it would be when we finally met our baby and what those first moments would hold. It was so important that this moment was a special one.
But, just like life, things didn't go according to plan. And things got really scary.
So, here we go - Danny's birth story.
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At about 5 am on Tuesday, March 16th (11 days early), I woke up to really sharp pains going up my bum. I went and sat on the toilet because I thought maybe I had to go to the bathroom. I probably sat there for about 20 minutes. When I stood up, I realized that there was a tiny bit of blood. I knew that was a soft sign of labor, so I immediately got excited thinking it could be time. I went back into our room still having weird pains and I put on a panty liner since I was lightly bleeding. It was dark in there and I was trying not to wake Dan up, but he woke up and asked what I was doing. I told him I thought I was in labor. Then he told me to get back in bed and rest. We downloaded a contraction app and started timing what I thought could be contractions. After lying in bed for a while in a lot of pain, we started getting worried that we needed to get ready to go. So we got up. Dan brought me down oatmeal and a protein shake. I jumped in the shower and tried to relax in there. I remember Dan turned on my birth playlist and that helped to calm my nerves. I had prepared for this, for so long. I could do it. Dan called my mom and said she could probably go to her morning crossing, but that she needed to head over after that. We told her that we'd keep her updated. Dan started finishing up our last-minute packing while I showered.
After a few hours went by of us thinking we'd be heading in really soon, my contractions started to get a lot further apart. Some of them were like 30 minutes apart even. That's when we realized I'd probably be laboring for a while and that we could slow down. We told my mom to hold off on coming over.
Then I, in true Kenzie fashion, decided to deep clean the house. Tay had been over the night before to shampoo the couches, so I wanted to put those back together and get the house cleaned up. There was no way I was bringing home a baby to a messy house. It was actually good to keep my mind distracted. While I was cleaning, I'd just stop and lean against something and have a contraction. At that point, they were pretty mild. We kept updating mom and telling her she could wait.
After I got done cleaning, I spent some time getting some last-minute things set up like the Owlet sock and stuff like that. I was in full-blown nesting mode. Then Dan convinced me that I should lie down and rest a little too. I took a nap, which was horrible. It's awful to be in a deep sleep and then get woken by a painful contraction.
We needed to get Tilly over to my parents' house, so they ended up coming over to grab her. They stayed and hung out for a bit. I was bouncing on my ball and having contractions in the living room with everyone sitting around me. We all joked that I was being dramatic. I swear, the whole day, I felt like there was no way this was real and that I was just faking it. I was definitely not haha.
Dan and I went on a couple walks to do some curb walking. I spent time rocking in the chair down in the nursery. I did random things around the house. Dan got us Vessel Kitchen for dinner. We called to let some of Dan's family know that I was in labor. We were just trying to pass time. There were points where we worried that I was having false labor because it was taking so long.
But, by the evening time, we knew it was real because my contractions were getting way closer together. We called my mom around 8 to tell her to come over because we knew we were getting close. When she got there, I was in the shower again and Dan was getting the car packed up. After the shower, I was saying it was probably time to get going, but Dan thought we should wait a little longer. He wanted to make a pizza for them to eat before we left. My appetite was gone by then. At this point, Dan was having to help me during contractions. I'd lean against the counter and he'd grab my belly from behind me and slightly lift it. It would give me some relief. I was still laughing and smiling a little at this point, so we knew I wasn't quite to my serious signpost.
Around 11:00 pm sometime, we were all standing in the kitchen when I started having a bad contraction. Dan got behind me to lift my belly and right as he did, my water broke!! It was the most insane feeling ever. It felt like hot tub water and it went everywhere. When I pulled my pants down, I saw that I had also lost my mucus plug. It was gnarly... let's just say that. We knew it was time. Dan threw away the pizza and I started saying I was going to throw up. I almost did in the sink, but the urge went away. As we were getting in the car, I told Dan to grab a bowl because I was about to throw up. He of course grabbed our nice kitchen aid bowl LOL.
The ride there was horrible. I was in full-blown labor at this point and we were sure I was at like 8 cm. The streets were really quiet, so that made it easy to get to the U quickly. Mom followed in her car behind us. I remember Dan trying to send texts out to people as we'd be sitting at stoplights to tell them we were on our way to the hospital. The drive was quick, only about 13 minutes. But by the time we got there, I could barely get out of the car. At home, I'd been walking around and everything so we thought for sure I could walk the short distance to the doors, but I'd already progressed so much that I was having contractions right on top of each other, making it impossible to move. I managed to get out of the car, but just kept leaning on Dan as I was having contractions. Then I threw up all over the parking lot. We ended up putting me back in the car and Dan drove me up to the doors. I had to be wheeled up to labor and delivery in a wheelchair. I was moaning at this point and I did not care. Mom finished unloading the car and met us up there.
Admittance was terrible. They made me go into this room to "check" if I was in labor. Like, hello?!? Isn't it obvious at this point? I couldn't even lie on the table to get checked. I just kept screaming and telling them I couldn't. Finally, during a short break between contractions, they managed to get me on my side on the table. They wanted me on my back, but I refused and physically could not. One nurse checked me and I was ONLY A 5. Holy cow, we thought I was like an 8 or 9 with how close together my contractions were. I was definitely doing labor math at that point. That's when I told Dan I couldn't do it. One of the nurses in there also made a joke about how we brought our kitchen aid to the hospital haha. They also wanted me to put on a mask, so I tried. I remember I went through one contraction with it on and then I asked if I really had to wear it. She told me that they highly recommended it, so I immediately took it off. There was no way I was going through natural labor with a mask on. They took my Covid test and while we waited, they wanted us to get back to my labor room. I couldn't move from the table, so they had to push me on the bed. I was having such bad back/butt labor at this point. That's what was preventing me from being able to move positions and whatnot.
We finally got back to our room and I was so excited to get in the tub. I knew that would give me some relief. It was a little after midnight at this point. They told me I couldn't get in the tub until my covid results came back, which was so weird and annoying. So they got me on my side on the bed so they could get me hooked up to the fetal heart monitor. They were having such a hard time getting it to read the heart rate accurately. I was so out of it at this point. Everyone kept asking me questions and I would just ignore them. I was very limited to the positions I could be in because of the horrible back labor. At this point, I was not putting two and two together, that back labor meant the baby was facing the wrong way. I guess Dan was starting to get worried and even asked them what positions I could do to help that. They told him just whatever I was comfortable with. That part frustrates me. I was happy to know that our midwife Emily was there that night! We got so lucky to have her present for the whole thing.
Finally, I got my negative covid test and they got the heart rate monitor working, so I was ready to get in the tub. It was so freaking hot. I remember feeling so confused at how I could be in that hot of water. They assured me it was okay and that they'd checked the temperature. It did feel really good to be in there. There was this annoying intern who was with us. She kept asking me dumb questions like what supplements I've been taking?! Like hello, I clearly can't talk right now and why is that important? She was really helpful with applying counterpressure with Dan though. I was only getting through it with the counterpressure. Mom was in charge of giving me sips of water and doing the music and pictures. I had no chance to relax and catch my breath at this point. It was one contraction after another. One would end and I'd start to get into a relaxing position and here would come the next one. They were relentless and I was losing steam very quickly. I was a lot more vocal during it all than I expected to be. That helped me a lot though to take my mind off of the pain. After about 1.5-2 hours of being in the tub, they were again having a hard time finding the baby's heart rate, so they got me out and back on the table.
Once I was on the table, Emily offered to check me and mentioned I sounded like I was making pushing sounds in the tub. Sure enough, she checked me and I was at a ten! It made sense why my contractions were so on top of each other because I progressed from a 5 to a 10 in a matter of a couple hours. It was time to push and I was pushing on the bed. Originally I had wanted to give birth in the water, but it was just too hard for me to move at this point and the fetal heart rate monitor was still being finicky. So we started off with me pushing on my side lying down. This was probably my favorite way to push.
I pushed for about an hour. Everyone said I was doing such a good job. After every push, they would all hype me up and tell me I was doing it perfectly. I tried my side for a while. Then I got on my hands and knees and tried pushing like that for a little bit. Then I tried pushing on my back. I kept thinking any time now, they'd say the baby was crowning. But I never heard those words. Finally, after about an hour of this and no progress, Emily said she wanted to check on what was going on. She put her finger in there and said she didn't like what she was feeling.
This is where everything went bad.
Emily said she wanted to have a lady come in who specialized in babies facing the wrong way. She wanted her to check to see if the baby truly was facing the wrong way. This lady came in there and she shoved her finger right up, so hard that I screamed bloody murder and kicked her so hard. She apologized a lot after that. We think that she didn't know I was unmedicated with how quickly she shoved her finger in there. They all calmed me down and at that point offered me nitrous oxide. I was okay with that to take the edge off. They had me hold the mask to kind of have that be a distraction. It was helpful. It made me feel like I was in a bit of a cloud, but could still feel everything. That's when they explained that they were going to try to flip the baby. The baby was facing up and needed to be down. They could feel the head in the birth canal, but it wasn't moving past that point. They explained they would flip the baby and then I would push and the baby should come right out. My other option was to keep pushing for hours more and the baby might come out the way they were. But I think everyone could tell I was losing steam. So we opted to try to turn the baby. I took some deep breaths and prepared myself, still holding the mask to my face. The doctor put her entire hand up there and I could feel everything. The baby slightly turned at that point, so she had me push directly after. Nothing happened. My mom describes me screaming as if I was being stabbed to death. It was an unexplainable pain. I have a hard time even remembering it now. So we were gearing up to try again. I again took some deep breaths, kept the mask on. She went up. I could feel the baby turn - the bones, everything. Ugh. I screamed and couldn't hold still. When she took her hand out, the baby turned back and as the baby turned back, the cord got pinched between the head and the birth canal.
The cord was prolapsed.
Dan says right before that happened, he noticed our room starting to fill with extra people. They must have known this could have gone bad.
Immediately, you could hear the heart rate drop down to around 70 and there was fear in everyone's eyes. Emily, our midwife, as calmly as possible told us our baby's heart rate was dropping and the cord was pinched. She told us that we needed to get into an emergency c-section as fast as possible. As soon as we agreed, Emily jumped up onto the bed with me, stuck her hand inside of me to push the baby up off the cord, and they rushed us back to the surgery room. Hairnets were being tossed around. I remember frantically putting my hair net on as they wheeled me down and I was screaming in pain from contractions and having an arm inside of me.
At this point, my mom and Dan were the only ones left in the room. Alone. Waiting.
As soon as I got into the operating room, there were SO many people in there. Everyone was frantic. I could hear the baby's heart rate going a lot slower than I'd once heard it. People were running around everywhere. The anesthesiologist was trying to place my IV (I didn't already have one since I was going completely unmedicated). He didn't get it the first time and had to try again. I remember he said "Fuck!" when he couldn't get it the first time and that made me realize how scary and serious this all was. At this point, I didn't know I'd be alone. I looked around in a panic and asked where Dan was. They told me he couldn't be in there. When I found that out, I just wanted to be put to sleep as quick as possible. I couldn't handle the pain anymore. I didn't want to be alone. I was so scared. Emily still had her arm in me at this point and kept telling me how sorry she was and that everything was going to be okay. The last thing I remember was them putting a mask on me and I fell asleep. Danny was born at 4:13 am.
I woke up back in the room I labored in. It was just my mom and me. I remember telling my mom I had done it all for nothing. Gone through all of that pain, to just have a c-section anyway. I just stared at the wall and couldn't stop crying. I was shaking so bad and I could feel my incision. I kept telling everyone I needed pain meds. I guess I was being really mean to everyone. I was just so mad and disappointed. My mom told me that it was a boy. Dan finally came back from being with Danny. He asked if I wanted to see a picture and I told him I didn't want to meet my baby through a picture. He told me that he had a lot of hair. He told me that he was okay, he just needed to have a CPAP on to help with his breathing for a little bit and that he'd be in the NICU. The birth was traumatic for his little body. The next few hours were so hard. So much sadness and anger in all of us.
One funny part of this whole thing was that right when I woke up, I desperately wanted to have my hair brushed. While I was lying in bed. I demanded that my mom brush my hair. So she started brushing it. She says she didn't want to cause me any more pain. So she starts brushing it SO SOFTLY. I was like, "Mom, you know I have a hard head! Why are you being so soft?" and "Have you ever brushed hair before?" I think she was nervous cause she was brushing my hair from the top down. Haha. We have had lots of good laughs looking back on this moment. I'm so grateful my mom was there through it all.
They finally got me meds to calm the shakes and the pain. They gave me some ice for my hands too. They were even more swollen and in pain for some reason. They wheeled me to my recovery room. With no baby. We needed to get settled in there and then I could go meet him. When we got in there, I met my first nurses. I was crying of course and one of them said, "Why are you crying?" in this very insensitive voice. I told her I had just had this very traumatic birth. She was awful. Luckily, after her, we had SO many amazing nurses during our stay. I think about four hours after the birth is when I finally got to go meet Danny.
It was so weird having Dan wheel me through the NICU looking for our baby. It just wasn't supposed to be this way. This wasn't supposed to be how I met my baby. It was so hard. I didn't even know who I was looking for. I didn't even know what my baby looked like. I remember wheeling through so many different rooms and then we finally found him. Our son. He didn't even feel like mine at first. I didn't know what to say to him or how to act. It felt so strange. I didn't get to hold him at first since there wasn't anyone there to help us. So we just looked at him and I held his hand. Ugh. All of these pictures are still so hard to look at.
