infertility

Deep breath -----

It's something most people don't want to talk about. 

It's heavy. It's dark. It's all-consuming. 

I never thought it'd be me. I never thought I'd be a member of the club that no one wants to be a part of. 

We were in Kauai, high on life, dreaming of a life with a baby. We're both so ready. Who am I kidding, I've been ready my whole life. So ready that we weren't even preventing before the wedding. In Kauai, I dreamt of what life would be like at this time right now (this spring). I dreamt that I would be big and pregnant, almost welcoming a baby into the world. I dreamt of the kind of dad Dan would be and how I couldn't wait to watch it. 

I thought we'd get pregnant right away. My mom always did, so why wouldn't I?

That wasn't the case. 

I thought surely by Christmas I'd be pregnant and it would make the holidays that much sweeter. 

I thought for sure I'd find out I was pregnant in Amsterdam. How cool would that be?

I wasn't. In fact, I started my period the day we got there. 

I thought for sure we'd gotten pregnant on Christmas day. I thought the fact that I ovulated on Christmas day was pure luck in itself. 

It wasn't. 

Then I thought for sure if we stopped tracking and worrying about it, it would just happen. 

It didn't. And by the way, it's kinda next to impossible to forget about it altogether. 

Then I thought for sure by my birthday I'd be pregnant. No way it would take longer than that. We talked about how we could surprise his family when we went out for his grandma's birthday the same week of my birthday. 

I wasn't. 

This picture perfectly depicts how I've felt a lot of the time throughout this journey - almost like I've been hiding behind these dark curtains trying to hide from the world. 

Announcement ----

I'm. still. not. pregnant. 

The worst part of it is that we've been to a fertility specialist and everything checks out fine. So what's the problem? I wish there was a problem, because at least if there was a problem, there would hopefully be a solution. 

But there's not. 

So here we are. We are getting close to being on this journey for a year and just saying that in itself feels so dang heavy. Crap. This whole dang thing has been the heaviest trial I've had to carry. Wanting something so bad. Being ready for something more than you've ever been ready for anything. Feeling something at your fingertips, yet it's still so far. Seeing what seems like EVERYONE getting pregnant. 

I hope none of this will be in vain. All of the sleepless nights. All of the times of having to tell Dan it didn't happen and seeing the disappointment in his eyes. All of our hopes getting hiked up high because I have symptoms, only to be let down way low again. All of the silence because we just plain don't know what to say to each other anymore.

I have hope that our time will come. I have hope that we will feel that excitement too. I have hope that WE'LL be the ones announcing that we're pregnant soon. 

Maybe there's a reason it hasn't happened yet. This is what we're telling ourselves. I feel like there are reasons for a lot of things in life. 

This whole time, I wished to be having a baby this spring, but maybe there's a reason it didn't happen? 

Who knows. But life is going to be okay. We're going to be okay. But it's okay that it all feels so heavy right now. It's okay to feel those feelings. 

I do know there are people out there who try for years, so my journey may not seem like much. But everyone's journey is their own and hard in its own way. This is my story and it has been far from easy.

One thing I do know -- I will try to never take a day of pregnancy or sleepless nights with a baby for granted because I will always be able to look back on these times when that's all we were hoping for. 

My heart goes out to anyone dealing with infertility. I think it's time we start talking about it. 

xoxo

Kenzie

p a n d e m i c

We are in the middle of a worldwide pandemic. Yep, you heard that right.

It's called the Coronavirus and it's terrible.

Seems like just a few weeks ago we heard about this virus going around in Asia and I thought nothing of it. Well, now it's spread across the world and most people are quarantined in their homes.

It's frightening, especially for older people or people with bad immune systems or lung issues.

But it's also just frightening for the common person, too.

We haven't left our house in a week now, except for taking Tilly out. I am going INSANE to say the least. I'm realizing how much I NEED to see my people - friends, family - it's so hard not seeing any of them. My mental health just can't take it.

It's funny how we all want what we can't have... I have always said I want to work from home, but now that I am, I am realizing it's pretty hard on my mental state. It takes a lot of effort to stay out of my dark dark hole of depression.

We got word yesterday that we will continue virtual teaching until May 1st (for now). Many people think it will go even longer. Who knows. But thinking of at least six more weeks of being in my house with only Tilly, Dan, and myself, makes me crazy.

Deep breath. I can do this. Just trying to take it one day at a time.

Here are some things that have kept me sane during this - working out every day, getting some fresh air, talking to friends and family on Marco Polo, house projects, puzzles, you name it!

I've already repainted our downstairs bathroom and cleaned out the entire kitchen, along with other little projects.

SO... here's to surviving, staying in, staying healthy, and doing more house projects!!! Oh... I guess I should work on my Master's too...

Sweet gifts from Sarah for our birthdays!

I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss therapy. I miss my students. I miss the gym. I miss getting my nails done and Target. I miss going out to eat. I just miss it all.

I guess I better just hunker down and be a little more grateful for now.

xoxo
A Depressed, But Grateful Kenzie

the start to the year

Just wanted to drop some pictures of what's been going on the past few months before all of this Coronavirus stuff bombarded and took over our lives. It's been a great start to 2020. Love all of my sweet friends and family so much. 

We spent the New Year partly at Tay and Kyle's pajama party and the rest at Geo and Ally's party. We had so much fun with all of our friends! We sure are lucky to have all of them in our lives. 

One night in January, some of the fam got together to make our 2020 word vision boards. We had so much fun with it! This year, my word is "Simplify" and Dan's word is "Discipline". This was so much fun to do with the family! 

One night Tay had all of us girls over for a girl's night and she surprised us by asking us to be her bridesmaids! It was so much fun. We spent the rest of the night eating snacks, chatting like girls do, and making our flower hair clips for the wedding. I'm so excited to be her bridesmaid! 

Visiting Patty at his new Beans and Brew job! He's the cutest little bro. 

For dad's birthday, he requested that we play games. Never thought that would happen! We played a game where you had to answer a question or eat gross food, so that was pretty funny. Then we played our favorite, Battle of the Sexes. Such a fun night with the fam!

We had fun celebrating Ashy's birthday the following weekend. Dan had to travel to Redding for some work, so I was on my own. She had a friend party over the weekend, which was so much fun. Her friends taught Tay and I how to twerk since we are old. Then we celebrated with the fam on her actual birthday. Dad made the yummiest strawberry poke cake!! I helped decorate it! Still drooling over it! 

I had a fun little Galentine's night with the girls - Madi, Tay, Nis, Gilline, and Regan. We went to a Mexican restaurant and then went to Tay's parents to watch a movie and we came in to this. It was the cutest thing ever. Wayne had set everything up like a movie theater and even had popcorn popped for us!  He's a gem. We didn't end up watching a movie, just chatted, like we always do when we get together! I sure love all of them. 

This is the cute sight I came out to see when Dan had dinner ready on Valentine's Day. 

We had a really special Valentine's this year. Dan made us the yummiest dinner and then we gave each other gifts. Dan got me Airpods. I was stoked! I gave him a five senses gift... we won't get into that here. Then we did a paint night and we had a BLAST!!! Oh, can't forget that we got one of our favorites, Coldstone for dessert. I sure love this guy. So happy we tried something new. 

We celebrated Jameson's first birthday! He's the squishiest little guy. It was good to see Aunt Cherie and Jeff while they were in town. We ended up staying late after the party and getting burgers and just hanging out and visiting. They got to come see our house the next day, which was cool since they hadn't seen it since we changed everything! 

We sure are loving our family game nights! So fun to get Patty's girlfriend, Lexie, playing too! She's a cute girl and they seem really happy together. 

My fourth graders had their Utah Program. Dan even came to see it on the parent night, which was really fun! All of the kids loved meeting him. They did a great job. We practiced all year long! 

I had fun at the Drill Showcase with some of the fam so we could see Patty perform with Lexie in the partner dance. He is such a good little dancer! I always love to go back to my old stomping grounds. 

We celebrated mama's 6th months sober with an AA meeting and breakfast at Dee's. Too bad mom's pork chop was dry! It was a very special day and I sure am proud of my mama. 

We went on a double date with Tay and Kyle in February to the new restaurant Slackwater. It was so yummy and so fun to hang out with them! We always have a good time together. We had to give the dogs some attention after the date too. 

We had such a fun time watching the Gunn boys my birthday weekend so Alex could have a break since Danny was out of town. We played hockey and took them to the park. Daniel had fun cleaning Leo up after he pooped his pants and then again after he told us his butt crack was itchy. Those boys keep us laughing! 

I had such a fun birthday this year. I usually don't love my birthday, so it was great to ring in 26 with some fun celebrations with friends and family! On Saturday, I had all of my friends over for a game night. We had drinks and played Battle of the Sexes, which got very heated, but it was a blast! My friends are the best. Then on my actual birthday, the family came over and we made pizzas and dad made the yummiest cherry poke cake! They all got me such sweet gifts. It was a great day! Loved having Davis there too. He has been gone for a few months. 

Dan planned a fun little date night for us. We went up and tried the new Emigration Brewery and then he surprised me with Nickel-mania. It was so dang fun. That was when we were starting to hear about the Coronavirus more and I remember thinking how many germs were on all of the games that night. 

This was kind of our last hurrah before things got crazy with corona. We went to Park City for Rachel's birthday and played hockey and we had a pure blast. I never thought I'd like hockey so much. Of course we weren't on skates, so that helped, but it was so fun. Dan of course loved it. We had some yummy brownies with ice cream and strawberries to celebrate. Madi even brought the guy she's been talking to, Tyson. It was great to get to know him more. What a fun night! 

Well that pretty much sums up what's happened so far this year. Now here's to hoping I can start staying more on top of this whole blog thing. Life is good. 

xoxo

Kenzie