infertility

Deep breath -----

It's something most people don't want to talk about. 

It's heavy. It's dark. It's all-consuming. 

I never thought it'd be me. I never thought I'd be a member of the club that no one wants to be a part of. 

We were in Kauai, high on life, dreaming of a life with a baby. We're both so ready. Who am I kidding, I've been ready my whole life. So ready that we weren't even preventing before the wedding. In Kauai, I dreamt of what life would be like at this time right now (this spring). I dreamt that I would be big and pregnant, almost welcoming a baby into the world. I dreamt of the kind of dad Dan would be and how I couldn't wait to watch it. 

I thought we'd get pregnant right away. My mom always did, so why wouldn't I?

That wasn't the case. 

I thought surely by Christmas I'd be pregnant and it would make the holidays that much sweeter. 

I thought for sure I'd find out I was pregnant in Amsterdam. How cool would that be?

I wasn't. In fact, I started my period the day we got there. 

I thought for sure we'd gotten pregnant on Christmas day. I thought the fact that I ovulated on Christmas day was pure luck in itself. 

It wasn't. 

Then I thought for sure if we stopped tracking and worrying about it, it would just happen. 

It didn't. And by the way, it's kinda next to impossible to forget about it altogether. 

Then I thought for sure by my birthday I'd be pregnant. No way it would take longer than that. We talked about how we could surprise his family when we went out for his grandma's birthday the same week of my birthday. 

I wasn't. 

This picture perfectly depicts how I've felt a lot of the time throughout this journey - almost like I've been hiding behind these dark curtains trying to hide from the world. 

Announcement ----

I'm. still. not. pregnant. 

The worst part of it is that we've been to a fertility specialist and everything checks out fine. So what's the problem? I wish there was a problem, because at least if there was a problem, there would hopefully be a solution. 

But there's not. 

So here we are. We are getting close to being on this journey for a year and just saying that in itself feels so dang heavy. Crap. This whole dang thing has been the heaviest trial I've had to carry. Wanting something so bad. Being ready for something more than you've ever been ready for anything. Feeling something at your fingertips, yet it's still so far. Seeing what seems like EVERYONE getting pregnant. 

I hope none of this will be in vain. All of the sleepless nights. All of the times of having to tell Dan it didn't happen and seeing the disappointment in his eyes. All of our hopes getting hiked up high because I have symptoms, only to be let down way low again. All of the silence because we just plain don't know what to say to each other anymore.

I have hope that our time will come. I have hope that we will feel that excitement too. I have hope that WE'LL be the ones announcing that we're pregnant soon. 

Maybe there's a reason it hasn't happened yet. This is what we're telling ourselves. I feel like there are reasons for a lot of things in life. 

This whole time, I wished to be having a baby this spring, but maybe there's a reason it didn't happen? 

Who knows. But life is going to be okay. We're going to be okay. But it's okay that it all feels so heavy right now. It's okay to feel those feelings. 

I do know there are people out there who try for years, so my journey may not seem like much. But everyone's journey is their own and hard in its own way. This is my story and it has been far from easy.

One thing I do know -- I will try to never take a day of pregnancy or sleepless nights with a baby for granted because I will always be able to look back on these times when that's all we were hoping for. 

My heart goes out to anyone dealing with infertility. I think it's time we start talking about it. 

xoxo

Kenzie