Summmmmmer Part 2

A little photo drop of the rest of our summer! 

I gave Tilly a bath right before our transfer since I knew I wouldn't want to be lifting her for a while if all went to plan! 

The first night Payt did the Otteroo was the cutest thing in the world. We all stared at him for about 30 minutes just watching how cute it was to see him kicking and swimming around! I guess he did do that in the womb for nine months. 

We had a fun visit from grandpa! This was the night we had a fun little fire and dinner up in Millcreek canyon. It was so nice to get some fresh air. 

Wed had to take him to The Pie of course! That's always a tradition. 

We had fun going to see Daniel play soccer! 

Before the bump came out!!

I got to babysit this cutie one day. I took him with me on my errands to get an oil change and go to Trader Joe's. He was an angel the whole time! 

Boating at Jordanelle with these cuties! 

We loved celebrating mama's two years of sobriety! On the actual anniversary, some of us went with her to an AA meeting and Cafe Rio. Then a couple days later we had some cake and got together. I'm so proud of her and forever grateful for the changes she made. 

We got to celebrate Uncle Mike's birthday with him while he was in town visiting! 

While Kyle and Dallas were doing the Spartan and Dan was hunting, we girls decided to stay with Natalie and have a girl's weekend. We had so much fun hanging out, going to the zoo, and making a yummy lobster dinner. It was the best!

For Patty's birthday, some of us went to the Fluffy comedy show. It was awesome! 

Patty turns 18! We of course went to the Spaghetti Factory and then had some cake at our house. 

I can't believe summer is already over! Time just needs to sloooooow down. 

The Announcement

I can hardly believe we have made it to the point of being able to announce to everyone that we're pregnant. This milestone felt so far away, even after we found out the transfer was successful. But, here we are! It's been so fun to share it with EVERYONE. Last night, we found the most beautiful field of tiny flowers to snap some pictures. It felt so symbolic of our journey. We've walked such a long road and the flowers felt like the beautiful light at the end of a really really dark tunnel, that truthfully we didn't know would end. Pregnancy has brought on so much anxiety for me. I always thought I'd be walking on cloud nine the second I found out I was pregnant, but that has not been the case. Instead, I've been filled with fear of the unknown. The fear of having to get more bad news or having to give more bad news to the people we love. It's been so isolating and most days I've wanted to just lay on my couch after work. I think just after years of bad news after bad news, you just get used to it being your reality. Then you start to not ever expect good news. 

I'm finally starting to feel better. I'm finally starting to feel like I can get excited for this baby and celebrate the thing I've been yearning for, for so so long. My bump is starting to make an appearance, which makes it feel that much more real. Like an actual baby is growing inside of me. Our baby. 

Today I'm 13 weeks 3 days. Wow. I can't even believe it! I'm starting to get back some energy. I am starting to feel less nauseous (and I haven't thrown up for a whole week!). I'm starting to feel more like me again and less like a ball of anxiety. I'm starting to find joy in life again. I'm starting to feel excited again about things that haven't been exciting to me. I'm getting back to me and that feels so good. 

The best news is (and knock on wood), MY BLEEDING HAS SUBSIDED. I could not be happier about that. On the last ultrasound (around 11 weeks 4 days), the hemorrhage looked tiny, so.... I.think.it.might.be.gone.now. Like gone. I hope on the next ultrasound, it does not show its ugly face. 

I'm so grateful for Dan and his patience as I've gone through this rocky first trimester. He's been so good. It's been very hard on our relationship, but we've pushed through and that's what matters. I'm so happy that we can start getting excited and really enjoying every step of the way. We can't wait to meet our little bean.

I'll end with a couple of fun progress pics. Eight weeks to twelve weeks! Starting to bust out of the jeans now. 

The Infertility Aftershocks

I was driving to work the other morning when a random song played since my Apple music was on shuffle. It was a song I'd never heard before. The song was Hold On by John Smith. 

What got me was the chorus...

Hold on 
Take my hand now, take it easy
Hold on
When you hold me, hold me steady
Hold on

I was immediately brought to tears as I kept listening to this song. My thoughts were brought back to a really hard night when we found out my sister and brother-in-law were having a baby. We spent most of that night holding each other and just crying. Neither of us had any words, but we both knew what we were feeling. I remember the feeling of pure hopelessness and just wanting to scream out all of this anger. We were so excited for them, but feeling the utmost jealousy and anger at our situation. We wanted so badly to be announcing our pregnancy to the family. We have had to quite literally "hold on" to each other through all of this. While I was listening to the song, I also thought of other really dark times, times when I couldn't even get out of bed I was so sick with depression. 

I thought back to all of the negative tests. 

I thought back to all of the pregnancy announcements along the way that would always sting.

I thought about all the times we would go to social settings with a bunch of kids around and how it would just make me so angry that we couldn't have that. 

I thought about us not getting any answers or reasons as to why this wasn't working for us. 

I thought about the time our first IVF cycle got canceled because we caught Covid and how devastated we were. 

I thought about the devastation our first failed transfer brought. 

I thought about the trauma of being in the surgical room at the IVF clinic several times waiting to be put to sleep for the next procedure. 

I texted Dan the song and talked to him about some of the feelings that came up when I listened to it. Not only did I think about all of our hard times, but I also started thinking about where we are now. We are pregnant. We finally have a baby on the way. We've made it to where we've wanted to be for so long. Yet, I haven't really enjoyed it. It's hard for me to even type that and admit it because I think I have a lot of guilt from feeling this way. I just haven't been in my right mind. I don't know if it's my pregnancy hormones. Or maybe it's the aftershocks of everything we've been through. Maybe it's the anxieties and the "what ifs". I'm not really sure, but it's been so hard on me and our relationship. Even though we're on the other side of infertility, it doesn't take away the trauma of what we've been through. I'm still constantly waiting on the next thing to go wrong. I'm still looking for signs at any moment that something's not right. I'm still in disbelief that everything actually seems really good with our baby. It's awful to be in this state of mind. 

I'm really hoping the second trimester will give me some peace. I do feel myself coming out of it. I do see a light coming. I'll get back on with a 12-week update! Did I just say that? 12 weeks??