We didn't have to do my progesterone shots today or yesterday.
It was a shitty reminder of that today when my alarm went off to do my shot at 1:30. I guess I should probably turn that off.
This was our every day for almost a month at 1:30. Dan giving me my progesterone shot.
It's been a realllly long and dark few weeks.
We transferred our perfect 4AA embryo on March 18th. We had so much hope that day. It was one of the best days we'd had in a long time. We were just so happy. I talk about that day in the previous post. The few days following were also filled with hope, but then the fear really started to creep in. On Tuesday, March 23rd, is when I really started to feel fear. I remember I had a lot of cramping that night and I also started spotting. That was five days post transfer. The cramping only last a couple hours, so I felt like it might have been implantation cramping. Then on Thursday, seven days post transfer, I caved and took a pregnancy test. I didn't think I'd see anything since it was still SO early, but I couldn't help myself. I did two of the cheap amazon tests. I went out of the bathroom for a couple minutes to let them sit. When I went back to it, I was shocked out of my mind to see lines on both tests. They were light lines, but they were indeed there!! I immediately took a video and was freaking out. I was so happy. I've never had a positive test. Mind you, it's 7:00 in the morning and Dan has left to his workout class. I immediately loaded Tilly up and ran to Walmart to buy better First Response tests. I rushed home and took one of those and it was also positive! Wow. I couldn't believe it. They were all light, but CLEARLY positive.
I took another test the next day and it was also positive, but the line wasn't any darker. So I started to worry. That's really when the worrying began. I waited all the way until Sunday to take another one. That's when we were in Ohio. The line seemed even lighter... I was devastated. I still remember that morning, waking up early while everyone was still asleep. I wanted to be alone no matter the outcome. I dreamt of being able to wake Dan up to a darker test and celebrate with him quietly on our own. But that wasn't the case. I quietly got back in bed and cried and tried to pretend nothing ever happened that morning. I decided I wasn't taking any more tests in Ohio. I just couldn't stand the heartbreak and I wanted to try to enjoy what was left of the trip. One of the nights I ended up telling Dan that I had tested again and it was lighter and that I thought I was having a chemical pregnancy and that we should prepare for the worst. He was still positive and wanted to wait until Thursday (beta test) to have a for sure answer. I remember crying to him one night saying that I don't want to live a life where I don't get to be a mom. So yeah, it's been really rough. That was just the beginning.
We got home and I had my first beta test on April 1st. I had kind of prepared myself for the worst, but at the same time, I had also started to get my hopes back up since I hadn't tested since Sunday. I had my test at 7:30 in the morning and I didn't get my results until around 11:00. My HCG was 26.02. A whopping 26.02. So low. They were hoping for it to at least start over 100, for reference. I knew it. We were devastated. The nurse told us it was probably a chemical (early miscarriage), but that there was still a little hope.
Two days later, it climbed up to 41.32. The doctor said that was a decent rise and that there was still hope. Then two days later it was 66, another decent rise. Since we had a couple decent rises, Dr. Verrilli said we could stop doing blood draws and come in a week later for a viability ultrasound. They were giving us small amounts of hope, but I think my body knew all along what was happening. Then, the day after I got the 66, I thought I miscarried. My spotting (that had been going on for about 2 weeks at this point), turned into bleeding and I had bad cramps. I told the doctor and she said it was probably a miscarriage and to get another HCG test. I did and to our surprise, it came back a whopping 147!! What?! It more than doubled. It gave us some hope, but I think I was still in the dark. The symptoms were just not adding up to a viable pregnancy. The next day, I had blood still and more cramping on just my left side. This was a big sign of an ectopic pregnancy (in the fallopian tube instead of the uterus), so I again told my doctor. They decided to have me come in for an early ultrasound the next day instead of waiting until Tuesday.
At that ultrasound, Dr. Letourneau didn't give us a lot of hope. He found the tiniest black dot in the uterus that he thought *could* be the sac, but wasn't sure. He checked my fallopian tubes and didn't see anything in there, so he called it a "pregnancy of unknown location". Like what? He gave us all sorts of scenarios of what could happen and let us go. It was a whirlwind. We went home feeling so deflated. Plus, Dan's parents were in town, so it was just a lot all at once. They tested my HCG that day too and it only went up to 186, which was only like a 27% rise. Not good. We knew that day it wasn't viable for sure. It was then just a waiting game to see if my body would miscarry on its own or if I'd need surgery. Ugh! The worst limbo.
I continued to bleed and cramp. They did another HCG test Sunday and it went down to 99. It was some closure to know that my body might be doing what it needs to on its own.
We just had our ultrasound with Dr. Verrilli (love her!!!) today and she gave us so much hope, something I've been needing after a very dark and hopeless few weeks. She did an ultrasound and said that it looks like it's most likely in the uterus, not in a fallopian tube. So now we're waiting to see if my body will miscarry on its own. The plan is to do an HCG test Thursday to see if it's still dropping. If it is, we'll keep testing until it's back at 0. If it's not dropping, they'll do surgery this Friday to remove all of the pregnancy tissue (and that will *hopefully* resolve it). Obviously, we're hoping for the first option and no surgery. If it's not dropping on its own and the surgery doesn't resolve it, they'll treat it as an ectopic and give me a shot to resolve it (which will then push us back three months for another transfer!! No, this CAN'T happen!). So I'm manifesting that my body will do great and miscarry all on its own.
If all goes well and my HCG drops on its own or we do the small surgery Friday, I should start a period in the next few weeks. Then I'd go back on birth control for a cycle. During that, they'd do another water ultrasound (to make sure my uterus and fallopian tubes are clear) and possibly a small surgery to snip the tip of my heart-shaped uterus. Then, we should be transferring in June!! Some of you may know why this month is significant to me.
Wow. So much word vomit. So we stopped the progesterone a couple days ago. It's bitter-sweet. It was rough to be stabbed every day, but not being stabbed every day means I'm losing the pregnancy.
We're heartbroken. We had so much hope for this first cycle. But I have to be honest, after weeks of dark limbo, I'm SO grateful to see some sort of light at the end of the tunnel. I feel so much hope for this next cycle. I feel like they're doing a lot of things to prepare me for the next cycle to make sure my uterus is in tip-top shape. It's also a REALLY great sign that I got pregnant this time. We at least know that I can get pregnant now! Dr. Verrilli gave us a lot of hope today. She said that she really thinks I'll be pregnant (and staying that way!) on the next cycle.
I do too. I'm so happy we have four more frozen embabies waiting for us.
We are so grateful for all of our friends and family who have been here for us through all of this, whether that was a call, a text, a hug, or a sweet surprise. We've felt nothing but love from so many through all of this.
Transfer 2, here we come!!
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