2014

Gosh, we are almost to February and I have just been procrastinating writing this post. I wanted to talk about my 2014, a year I will always remember. It is past midnight, but sometimes I have more of a writing bug at night and so sometimes I write and just don't make sense. So hopefully I do. Ya know, make sense.

So many things have happened this year, good and bad, happy and sad. 

I have learned so many things. I have done so many things. I continued my work at One Exchange. I continued my schooling at SLCC. Madi wrote me a letter begging me to take a trip to China with her. I questioned my religion. I continued writing and waiting for Mike. Mike hit his year mark in July. I continued letting my hair grow, although I thought about chopping it again several times. I took a Children's Lit. class at SLCC during the summer and found a love for children's books. I quit my job at OE in August. I traveled to Oregon in August with family and friends and had such an amazing trip at the beach. I PASSED THE PRAXIS, finally, allowing me to officially be accepted into the UVU teaching program. I saved money. I celebrated Valentine's day with my parents, searching for the restaurant with the shortest wait time. I said yes to going to China in the fall. I said yes, then no to being in a missionary girlfriend documentary. Jennie created a video for me and Mike for his year mark. I received my patriarchal blessing, which is so amazing. I STOPPED biting my nails, hallelujah. I traveled to China. I went to the Ogden Temple open house. I went to Lava Hot Springs with my best friends. I read The Fault in Our Stars several times and bawled every time. I rode an elephant and decided not to hold a tiger after seeing how they were treated. I walked on the Great Wall of China. I rode stinky, crowded buses in China. The relationship between Mike and I struggled. I graduated with my Associate's degree from SLCC. I made friends that I'll keep forever. I lost grandma two days before Christmas. I stayed up too late most nights in the fall. I celebrated Thanksgiving and Halloween half way across the world. We celebrated {what we didn't know to be} grandma linda's last mother's day and birthday. We lost my Aunt Connie to a drug overdose. My mom lost her baby sister. I taught over 200 Chinese students to speak English. I went to the Dreamathon with Ashy. I fainted at the Fourth of July parade. I hiked to the Haugen flag, twice. I had my toe nail roots deadened -- no more ingrown toe nails!! I got two pairs of Salties and wore them too much. We visited family in WA. I taught the sunbeams with my sissy. Payt moved out with Jordan while I was gone to China. My baby sister got engaged. Our dryer broke down, so my family went to the Laundromat and it ended up being such a fun adventure. I had many sleepovers with Dak in China in our small twin beds. I grew so close to Madi and Jennie. I went to St. George with family friends. Madi and I shared a room for four months and it was the best ever. The relationship between Madi and I was rough for part of the year, but we are now closer than ever because of it. I got closer to Erika. Davis and I got closer. I left my heart in China. I got glasses. I re-did my room and simplified my life. I fervently searched for a nanny job for when I returned from China. I listened to way too much music. I wrote a lot of letters to Sister Phelps and my great grandpa in Ohio. My sister graduated from high school and I am so proud. We had a nice visit from my grandpa and great grandpa in June. I tried to eat healthier and keep an exercise regimen. I tried to continuously take my vitamins. Tay put a blonde streak in my hair. I took way too many pictures and started posting on Instagram more. I've blogged more. I attended the weirdest missionary girlfriend night ever and will never go to another. I loved and laughed and lived.

Wow. I can't believe what a year it has been. I am so grateful. I always look back at my year and think about all of the grand moments, the things I will forever remember. I really lived my life this year, to the absolute fullest. I learned so many things about love and actually living. And I just laughed a lot. I wonder how this next year will be? I hope it's just as amazing.

Because it is going to take a lot to beat this one.

My goal for this next year is to listen better, listen more. Because one thing I learned while being in Ningbo is that it is often times better to listen than to be heard.

I am striving to be a light this year because light always overcomes darkness.

"family matters most"

Today in my educational psych class my teacher started out with a story about how when she was a really busy teacher, a new one at that, she had a planner and she would schedule everything. Keep in mind that she was still going to school while she started teaching. She said that one day her daughter asked if she would take her to look at prom dresses. She looked at her planner and decided that Saturday would work. So, they went to look for the perfect dress. She was so excited, as it was her first prom. They looked all over, driving everywhere and they were gone all day. She was getting frustrated with her daughter and by the end of the day they still hadn't found anything. They were driving in the car when her daughter said that she had an idea. My teacher explained how her daughter presented the idea that they could make the dress together. She said she almost shouted out, "You ungrateful brat!" She felt as though she had wasted all day driving around looking for dresses. But she held her tongue. They ended up making the dress together and her daughter taught her some things about stats along the way. The day of prom, her daughter came down the stairs, beautiful as ever and ran over to her throwing her arms around her. Her daughter thanked her and told her how much she loved it.

So there is a point to all of this.

 She explained that although we are all busy with school and this program and all of the other things we have to do in life, sometimes we just have to choose family or friends, or people that really matter to us. Sometimes they need us more than our studies. On our death bed, we won't be worried about how much we should have studied for psych, but the time we spent with people. So, sometimes you have to choose people over studies.

And it's just going to have to be okay.

I loved tonight. My mom made The World's Best Lasagna (which I thought was no better than "her" lasagna), I took them to Menchie's, and then I just talked with my family about my grandma, Connie, Preston, that whole situation. I am so grateful I did. I have so much to do, but it can wait.

be young

Meet Jake and Bill -- 

Sometimes life can get really crazy. Like really really busy. Sometimes you feel like you just can't catch a break. I always tend to load a lot of things on plate, but I actually like it that way. And this semester is going to be no different. When you have such a busy schedule, sometimes it is hard to see the beauty in every redundant day, but that is why it is so important to look. Even if you have to look a little harder. Today I am grateful for the job I have. It is nice to not be in a high-stress job anymore, one where I can let my hair down and be young. Today we had meatloaf for dinner and they hated the potatoes I made for them because they had skin on them and were not completely mashed. But we talked about great things in our day and things that we are grateful for. I'll be a better mom and teacher for these kinds of experiences.

My Word

There is this lady who is an amazing blogger and I follow her consistently. She does this thing that I really like where she picks a word for her year. I have always liked the idea, but I actually think that I want to try it for myself now. I think it would be a wonderful thing to do. It is a word that I will focus on all year long and then I will reflect at the end of the year, well, and throughout the year, too.

So... my word for the year is...

LISTEN 

I chose this word because sometimes I struggle with listening. And then sometimes I'll listen, but not really listen. And I've learned while traveling and being with my nine sisters in China 24/7 that sometimes it is better to listen than to be heard. 

I want to listen and learn from others, to look at new perspectives, to hear what people are trying to tell me. 

Here's to a great year! My reflection of 2014 will be coming soon. Stay tuned.

NOT having the january blues

(I found this really wonderful blueberry sucker flavor at my grandpa's -- so that's awesome.)

Well, I'm back to the grind. You know, school, work... all that fun stuff. But actually, it's not bad at all. I like to stay busy! And I am loving this weather lately. It's like cold, but not. And that is exactly what I love -- cold, but not weather. I like winter and snow and all, but not driving in it. In fact, a couple weeks ago when we had the big snow storm, my car slid into the curb. So that really put forth towards my not liking to drive in the snow. But on a positive note, I am buying my grandpa's stratus. It is in mint condition as they rarely drove it. To say I am excited would be an understatement. My forest green saturn has been good and all, but it's time for something nicer and more reliable. And this whole car thing has been completely stressful for me and that's the last thing I need with starting my first semester at UVU. So after sliding my car, I was thinking that maybe it was just time to get a new car. So this past weekend, me, Madi, Ryan, and Tay went car shopping. Madi was needing a new car also. It was quite the day - hilarious, exhausting, and everything in between those two words. We went to several dealerships and dealt with a lot of weirdos. We had Julie who had skinny teeth and she practically interrogated our whole life before she would let us drive a car. And Madi practically whispered her to death because Madi does this thing where when she doesn't want to do something she just talks really quiet instead of flat out saying no. HA. There was Jose Felice who could not put a car in reverse although he was a very experienced stick shift driver. Then there was sprinter, a dealer who ran when we pulled in. Then he put us in the lobby (as I would call them) and never came back, so we left. Oh, and then there was the guy who passed the douche bag test, only to fail it at the end. Then there was the guy in his brown, corduroy church suit who called me "my dear" and I did not appreciate it. All in all, I learned that dealerships suck and most of them lie. That is the exhausting part. So after the whole day and not finding a car, Ryan convinced me to let him fix my car. So I did, the next day. But I just don't want it anymore. I'm just kind of done. That's why I'm buying grandpa's car.

Goodbye, greenie! You're getting a new home.

So tomorrow will be my fourth day at UVU and boy am I loving that school. Let's not talk about how my appetite still hasn't quite caught up with me since I have returned. Between the time I wake up and 4 or 5 in the evening, I usually have a few pieces of dark chocolate to hold me over.... hmm. I am ecstatic to be starting my teaching program, FINALLY. I love it so far, but I can't lie. It is going to be one tough semester. It is a ton of work, but I know it is preparing me for what is to come in about two years -- teacher status! I really felt like a teacher today when one of my teachers passed out scholastic book magazines, you know the ones we had in elementary. She told us that we should start our book collections for our classrooms. I'm so excited for that. I have one more class tomorrow, but I have already been to my other six for the week. Every single teacher is amazing and different and just awesome! They all know what they are doing and they are there for US. I feel like I am getting such a personal experience and that is what I love about it. I have been riding the frontrunner to school and I am loving that so much. Not only will it save on gas, but I love the down time, the time to just listen to music, to write, to blog, to do homework, whatever. I just love it. I learned to love public transportation in China, so why not take advantage in Utah. Here's to a fantastic semester - one full of scholastic book orders, lesson plans, being creative, learning to be a teacher, and riding the frontrunner!

Recently I have redone my room and I love it! I told my family that I wanted to simplify my room because it would make me less stressed, so I did just that. I threw away a bunch of stuff and moved a lot of stuff out and decluttered and I absolutely love being in my room now. I still have some decorating to do, but for now I am satisfied and I am kind of enjoying the plain walls (besides these two pictures).

I started nannying on Friday. This is the perfect job for me right now while I am going to school, as it is only part-time and works well with my schedule. It is also giving me experience with children, so that's a plus. I nanny two little boys, Jake and Bill. They are 5 and 7. They are adorable as ever, but turds too. They are very close in age, so they do fight some and the older one thinks he is in charge of everything. But we are going to work on it and have fun! On Friday I took them to the Natural Museum of Curiosity and to McDonald's. We tried to find one with a play place, but Siri did not lead us to one. They were sad about that. But we had a lot of fun together and I can't wait to see them again. The younger one is so loving and he told me he loves me already. What a fun job! I am so lucky.

So that's what is going on with me right now.

ON ANOTHER NOTE...

My cute best friend in the middle gets home in like 26 days, so that's awesome. It's not like I'm counting or anything.

For Grandma Linda

(This was my talk for grandma's funeral.)

I could talk about all that my grandma WAS, but I believe that she is still around us, so I will talk about all that she IS. 

Not everyone is lucky enough to be so close to their grandparents, but I guess you could say that I am one of the lucky ones. I have been so close to my grandma my entire life. The other day my dad said I have been close to grandma since I was little as he held his hand out showing my height as a little girl. It really made me realize how lucky I am. And although I feel that I was cut short, I know she is still with me and she always will be. She will be there the day I get married and the day I have my first child. She will be there through it all, just like she always talked about. We all know that grandma has the best advice, that she listens carefully, and she is so comforting. And it didn't ever hurt that she had some kind of sweet to give out. Grandma always buys those big boxes of chocolates, you know, the ones with several layers. She always brings the box out around the holidays and she lets me have first choice because I love those chocolates so much. We always dig through all the layers finding the best ones and then we eat as many as we can until we feel sick. Her eyes always light up when she brings out those chocolates. She also buys these "little breads" as we call them. They are little cocktail breads and grandma always gets them around the holidays, brings them out with the cheese, and she and I eat them. It's always just been our thing. The other day while over at their house, a few days after grandma had passed, I was looking at her grocery list she had made just a few days earlier and grandpa showed me that she had written cocktail breads on the list. She was so excited for the holidays, especially for our annual Christmas night tradition at her and grandpa's house. I know grandma was there with us this year and she was probably eating some of the "little breads" with cheese, her favorite.

Grandma just has this way of making people feel so important and so special in this big world. She is so passionate in what she believes in and she loves with her whole heart. My grandma is one of a kind. She is hilarious without even trying to be and she is wise and so honest. You can talk to grandma for hours and she never gets tired of talking. She is one of the best secret keepers I know and I have always been able to trust her with anything. Grandma never complained about her health and she was more concerned about the well being of everyone else.

Grandma was so nervous about me going to China. I really don't think she wanted me to go at all. She was worried about the hostels, the people, the things going on there. I think she worried the entire time I was gone. She talked about it to everyone. The day I got home from China, as I was sitting in the LA airport, I thought to call grandma. She told me how relieved and happy she was that I was back on American soil. I could hear the relief in her voice. We talked about Christmas and how she was excited the whole family would be here and that Sloane's family would even be in town. We talked for about an hour and I could hear her start to cry as we hung up the phone. Later when I got home, she and grandpa came over to our house and she walked to the piano bench like she always did so she could catch her breath. I walked over to her and we both just held each other as we cried. It's a moment I'll cherish forever.

She loves you grandpa. I could always see it in her eyes. One night this summer I slept at their house and grandpa went to church the next day. I remember waking up to grandma talking about how cute grandpa looked in his new sports coat that he had gotten. She went on and on about it that morning. I don't know why, but I just realized how much she loved him that day. I also remember a night probably over a year ago when grandma and grandpa were talking about when they met and got married. And I remember specifically grandma looking over at grandpa with this sparkle in her eye. And she said, "he's perfect." She explained that yeah of course there are little things that they get at each other about, but that he was perfect. I remember grandpa just kind of laughing, like "yeah right." I hope to have the kind of love grandma and grandpa have.

There is a memory that I have from last spring when grandma was really sick. We thought that was it and the family gathered with her as we thought those were her last days. We all should have known that they weren't with how strong of s fighter grandma has been. But anyway, she ended up in the hospital and I really tried to spend as much time as I could with her, missing school, and everything. Nothing even mattered. I just wanted to be with her. I remember one night it was just us two in the hospital and she was so happy. She talked and talked about anything and everything and I just listened and took it all in. I specifically remember her telling me about how in all the times when she has been suffering so much, the only person who truly knows her pain is the Savior. She talked about her love for him and how he loves us so much. She talked about how he can help us through anything. I'll always remember that. She really loves the Savior and I think she was always really close to him, especially through scary times, times of suffering, times when she felt so alone in her pain. What an example she has been to me.

I'm so grateful for the way my grandma raised my dad. He is amazing and I know it's mostly because of grandma and the love she has continually shown him.

Grandma is amazing. She's everything I want to be in my life. What a great example she has been of a wonderful daughter, mother, sister, wife, grandma, great grandma, aunt, friend, cousin. She has shown love to all of us and I hope we will continue to feel her love because she is there. The love she has shown me is insurmountable. It's a love that no one could replace.

I hate to see a world without grandma, but I know she helped make our world more beautiful. I hope to be half the person my grandma is someday. And even though she is not here with us anymore, I pray that we can feel her and remember that we will see her again one day.

Losing Grandma Linda

Grandma L passed away on December 23, 2014, less than a week after I returned home from China. 

I deal with hard things and grief in a weird way. I tend to shut them out, to not think about them, to not dwell on them. I mean, in a way it's nice, but then there comes a day when I completely break down due to long periods of time of holding in emotion. I think talking about this on here will help me in some way.

There have been so many visitors and the funeral and viewings and time with the family and Christmas that I don't think it has fully hit me yet that she is gone. It seems like just yesterday I was a little girl with my head rested on grandma's lap as she would play with my hair and now I'm looking at the rest of my life, not having her in it. She was beautiful, honest, caring, loving, wise, and everything else that a grandmother should be.

Saturday, December 20th, Ash and I went to clean grandma and grandpa's house. I knew when we got there that grandma was not doing well, again. It seems to hit her every winter, each winter getting worse than the last. We walked over to her, Ash and I on each side of her. I remember her talking about not being able to sleep for a couple of nights. She seemed confused at the pills grandpa had given her and she insisted that he had not given her all of the right pills. Something was off. I also remember us all comparing feet sizes and Ash slipped her shoe into gram's favorite moccasin showing that her foot was too big for the shoe. Grandma worked on getting ready just about the entire time Ash and I cleaned. It was quite the process for her, as she has to stop to catch her breath every few seconds. When we had finished and grandma came back out to her chair, we visited for a while and grandma dozed in and out of sleep. We mostly talked to grandpa.

The next morning my mom came in my room saying that grandma had been rushed to the ER that night and that she had been intubated. I knew this wasn't good, that it was the last resort. We spent the next three days in the hospital with all of the family and friends, waiting, hoping, and praying that she would make it through. We were able to go in and visit her, a few of us at a time throughout those few days. On Monday she had woken up and we could talk to her, but of course she could not talk back due to the intubation. We could tell she wanted to talk to us. We tried having her write, but her arms were strapped to the bed and she was very shaky. So it ended up being a bunch of letters on top of one another. It was heartbreaking and I went out of the ICU in tears every time. At one point, someone figured out that she wanted a coke.

By Tuesday, they thought that it was time to remove the ventilator and put her on the bipap. If she was doing well with that, they would work her back down to her regular oxygen. We talked about hospice and having her at home for her last few days, weeks, months. But we didn't know what was to come. When they moved her to the bipap, she was actually doing really well and the doctors were pleased with the outcome. It appeared that she was doing better. Ash, Payt, and I went in there and talked to her about buying her some Burt's Bees chapstick, her favorite. She still couldn't talk, but nodded her head. Payt said she thought she could see a smile when I kissed her cheek when we left the room. Us kids left the hospital for a little break, only to receive a call from my dad about ten minutes later saying to get back there, that grandma had taken a turn and she probably wouldn't make it through the night. We all stood around her bed for several hours. She had morphine in her and eventually shut her eyes. That was the last time I saw her beautiful eyes. We all cried and told grandma that she could let go, that we loved her, but she could let go. I don't know if she could hear us. Around eleven, Ash, Glenn and I were in the room with her and her breathing changed and the doctors said that she was going. We called everyone back in and they eventually took her bipap mask off and watched as she took her last breaths. She was a fighter, my grandma was. She did not want to leave us - her husband, her children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, and friends. It was such a hard night, the entire thing, like a nightmare that I couldn't and never did wake up from.

I didn't get to give her the gifts I got her in China and I didn't quite get to tell her about all my adventures while being gone and all the plans I have for this next year. I just wanted to talk to her, but time just went so fast.

I miss grandma so much. My heart aches to feel her love again. She showed me a love that no one else could. A love from a grandmother is just so special and I guess I can say that I am lucky that I got the time with her that I did - over 20 years. She did so much for me. I'm grateful that grandpa let me help with the obituary and the funeral and I even got to speak at the funeral. I would like to share my talk on here as well. That will be in a separate post.

Click here to read the obituary. 

I love you, grandma.