While reading the magnificent book Dressing Your Truth: Discover Your Type of Beauty by the one and only, Carol Tuttle, I think that I truly discovered myself for the first time in my life. You know, now I just get myself. I get it. I get why I act the way I do. It all just makes sense. I know this sounds redundant and perhaps a tad bit cliché, but it was like a light bulb went off. I had a major A-HA moment. Okay, well I discovered that I am a type four personality. That being said, I am the strong, timely, stubborn, closed off, bold, striking, constant, keen, precise, authoritative, polished, structured, clean, simple, grounded, reflective, misunderstood, and the list goes on and on. So that is pretty much me in a short little list… uh hemm, I mean long list. Sorry Charlie. So in that book it explains how you are and why you are the way you are. It is pretty awesome to say the least. There are all the negative things about myself that I have looked at for so long, but now it all makes sense. That is just my nature. Often times, the type 4 person will try to act different or change themselves. However, you should not do that. It is vital that you act natural. If not, you will simply shock people. Something that I also learned about myself is that us Type Fours are unapproachable. With that being said, it is up to us to reach out to people because people will be intimidated by us. Makes so much sense! Well.. enough about that. I just am so grateful for that book.
I really feel like I am being so blessed for letting my love go for two years so that others could be sealed to their families for eternity. Blessings are coming to me, in fact, they are pouring in. Life is just working out. I can’t think of anything that I could complain about. It’s practically perfect. I have no idea what happened. I imagined myself being this depressed mess as I watched the love of my life walk away. Yes, I had my moments, but now I just have such a positive outlook on life. I found myself in such a deep rut during the five months before Mike left. I was depressed and I was scared for my life. I was losing my best friend, really my whole life. I almost ruined the wonderful relationship that we had several times, but he always continued loving me even though sometimes it was hard. I was making things a lot worse than they needed to be. Instead of cherishing every moment with him and being HAPPY, I was depressed a lot of the time as I dwelled on our departure that was creeping up on us. I could not focus on anything and my schooling really took the back burner. I hated my job and I did not even try when I was there. All of the relationships in my life were failing and I did not have the energy to bandage them. It was one of the hardest times and I hope to never find myself in that dark place again. I became emotionally drained as I just simply got through each day – I endured and did not enjoy. Months became weeks, weeks became days, and before I knew it, it was time for Mike to leave. I thought that would be the end of me. I really did. I did not want life to go on without him and frankly I did not think it would. Maybe I thought the world would just come to an end or something.
Now, the day came. I was terrified. When we said goodbye, I felt like my life was walking away from me. My heart was being torn from its place inside me. I am being really dramatic, but it’s the best way to explain such pain. I would not see him for two years. I was scared to death. I really do not know how I let him go. As we held hands and walked to the car, he let go and hugged me so tight for the last time. Then, he kissed me. I knew I would miss those lips. I knew I would miss that smell. I breathed him in one last time, got brave, and sat down in my seat of the car. That was it. He walked away. He never turned back. We both cried like babies. We both knew this was not the end. The destination was in our view and we knew that it would eventually come. It would be a while, but it would come. I really am lucky that I have someone who makes saying goodbye so hard. I am lucky to love and be loved. I would not trade love for all the money in the world. So, to get to the point, the night he left, I felt a huge relief lifted from my soul. We had said goodbye. The only thing left was hello and from there – eternity. That night was hard, but life really looked up from there. Blessings have been flowing in ever since. Today I would like to count my blessings. There is really nothing to complain about. Absolutely nothing. Of course I could say exhaustion… but doesn’t that mean that I am blessed to have so many places to be and people to see? Yep.
1. Mike. My amazing love and current missionary. I could never even put my love for him into words. It is near impossible. He’s my other half and he fills every bit of my heart. I know that he is away right now and will be for some time, but he is still such a huge part of my life. What a blessing that boy has been to me. I am so overwhelmed with joy.
2. My family. I am so lucky to have a warm home to come home to every day with all of the people I love there. It’s great to think that I will have a couple more years at home. I love being around my family even though they do get a little crazy sometimes. My parents have been so supportive of all of my dreams I’ve ever had. I love my four siblings. They always love me no matter what and I know that they always will. I know that I need to make a better effort to create time for them.
3. My friends. My friends are definitely better than yours. Madi has always been there for me. We do everything together, including work and school. It is so wonderful to have someone like that. We know every little thing about each other and we can act like freaks and still be accepted by one another. I am so blessed to have her as such a huge part of my life. My other best friend is on her mission in Roseville, California. Natalie is amazing and she is growing so much. I have enjoyed getting her letters every couple of weeks. I can’t wait for her to return so we can start our friendship right where we left off. I’ll count her sweet spirit as another blessing in my life today! I also have to say that I am so thankful for Jennie and Taylor. They are also my best friends. I guess you could say that I have a lot of best friends. We all have so much fun together and I know that they would all be there for me if I ever need anything. I knew that I had great friends when I saw them all bawling just as hard as I was when I said goodbye to Mike. I am also thankful for all of the other friends that I have. There are just too many to mention.
4. All of my grandparents and great grandpa. I have my dad’s parents and my mom’s parents all still alive. I am so lucky to have that. My mom’s dad and step mom live in Ohio, along with my great grandpa. I don’t see them often. Usually my grandpa and great grandpa will come visit every summer. It is great to see them each year. I am lucky to have that time. My dad’s parents just live five minutes away. They have supported me in everything. I can’t think of one thing that they did not attend throughout Junior High and High School. I constantly feel the love they have for me. All of my grandparents are getting up there and I know that I need to cherish and love every moment with them, for we never know when they will be called to the other side of the veil. I love that my great grandpa and I continually write letters back and forth. I cherish that.
5. Mike’s family. They are practically my second family and someday they will be my real family. They constantly show their love for me. They invited me to dinner last Sunday and I really enjoyed my time with them. It is nice to have this time with them while Mike is away so that I can focus solely on all of them and create a lasting relationship. Erika is wonderful. She is like my little sister, except she’s really not so little. She is a sophomore in high school. We talk all the time and we have done quite a few things since Mike left. I love that she feels so close to me. I cherish the relationship we have. I am so lucky to have that and we will continue that on forever.
6. My job. I have to thank Cindy Graff for helping me get such a wonderful job. I work with elderly people every day helping them with their health reimbursement arrangements. They always make my day. I have learned great patience with this job. I love to feel so appreciated here and I am glad that I was able to get away from my other job. It was an unhealthy environment for me. I also love the pay that I am receiving. I am able to pay for school all on my own and I really never thought that would be possible. Definitely a kiss from heaven! (PS I am waiting to hear if I will move to a new department here soon, putting me at even higher pay. So lucky.)
7. My education. I am blessed to have the opportunity to attend college to earn a degree in something I am passionate about. Becoming and elementary teacher was the best idea I have ever had and I know I will love my career. That is so important to me. Less than three years and I am in my own classroom. Seems crazy to me, but I am more excited than you can imagine. I am thankful for all of the wonderful counselors who have helped me along the way and the ones who will help me in the future. I can see graduation in the near future. I can hardly wait.
8. Elementary school volunteering. I love seeing my little ones twice a week. They really do brighten up my day. It makes me so excited for the future classroom of my own.
9. My bed my bed my bed. I love my bed. My bed is there for me every night after a long hard day. I know I can always count on my bed to make me feel better.
10. Health and exercise. I am so blessed that I had something to go to the doctor for back in March. That is when I caught some health issues that needed to be taken care of. I am grateful for healthy foods that actually taste good. I am thankful for the ability to run, jump, and ride my bike. This all keeps me sane. I have found great peace in working out. My stress is eased and I can find my focus again. I will not stop. I can overcome my problems. This is my life we’re talking about.
11. My car. I am so blessed to have a running car that gets me to all of the places that are important to me. She keeps on running and is mostly always there for me. I know that I take having a car for granted.
12. Random acts of kindness. I love to see what wonderful people can do in the world. I love to look for small acts that might make someone’s day. I also love kind people who are kind to me. It makes me want to be kind in return and be a better person.
13. A loving Heavenly Father who continually loves and cares about me. I know that I fall into the funk of life quite often and my spirituality and religion gets put on the back burner. I know that this is one thing that I could change right now. I could make this aspect of my life much better and I promise that I will work on it. I need to pray because I know that there is always someone there. No appointments need to be scheduled, no dates need to be set. All you need is a place to ponder with a prayer in your heart and HE will listen. I do know that. I have seen it and felt it. I am so lucky to be a part of his church.
14. Writing. I love writing. It helps me to get my feelings out. Whoever thought of this thing called writing is an absolute GENIUS. I love to blog and write my life away.
15. Music and dance. I can feel all of my emotions come out when I listen to music. It is something that I can’t picture my life without. If you ever feel down just turn some music on and dance. My friend, Jennie told me how women should wake up every morning and dance for a whole song – just flow with the music and move every part of your body. If you do this, things will start coming to you. I wanted to try this, but so far my sleep has been far too good to want to wake up a few minutes earlier. I already wake up at five every morning as it is! Sheesh.
I know that this blog post has gone on way too long and if you made it to this sentence, I congratulate you. You are awesome. Continue being awesome. I encourage you to make a list. At this moment, I have nothing to complain about. If you just look at all the good around you, life will become easier. You will feel light. Grab a piece of paper and GO! (Or blog if you’re like me.)
Sincerely,
A Very Optimistic Looker
A Very Optimistic Looker
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