my sibs

So there was that one day when we had those one yummy cupcakes and they actually smelled cold. Wait, what? Well, Patty thought that the Rainbow Sherbet cupcake smelled cold. Who knows. I am grateful for siblings. I have grown so close to them lately and I feel like I know so much more about them than I did before. And I'm also grateful for buy 2 get 2 free cupcakes. Yummy cupcakes, at that. 

a little thing to mention, I guess

I've been really reflecting lately. I think I have social anxiety. I am not sure if that's even a thing. I could google it and all of these things might pop up, throwing me into a several-hour research session. I think I'll save that for another day. It's something I have really struggled with... since I can remember. It's just my nature and I hate it. There, I said it. If there was something I would get rid of or change, it would be that. But the thing is, is that it is only with certain people. It's certain personalities that I just don't go well with. There are certain groups that I feel comfortable with and certain groups that I don't. I just don't feel comfortable in my own skin sometimes. Sometimes I can be very outgoing, sometimes I want to crawl in a hole. It all depends. But there are some things that I do that have led me to diagnose myself with this dreadful uhhhh thing. Sometimes I pretend to talk on the phone, just so I'm not ya know, there. People don't bother you if you're "on the phone." I avoid people sometimes. I go different ways, longer ways, so I don't have to chance running into one of those personalities. I absolutely hate going to events or whatever you want to call them alone. I dread it. I can't walk into a room full of people alone. It's just not me. I have to have someone with me. Well, depending on the group. Of course I can walk in alone when it's people I'm close to. And ya know, I do enjoy doing things alone. I hate to feel like a burden. And that's something else, now that I think of it. I always feel like a burden to people, so I usually figure things out on my own or I don't initiate things. Hmm.

But yeah, it's just that I don't feel comfortable in my own skin most of the time and it's the worst feeling to have. It leads to lots of unhealthy, negative feelings towards myself. I once talked to my friend Taylor and she was the only one I have been able to relate with on this matter. We talked about how we get excited for new classes, new jobs, fresh starts. That way, we can start fresh and make a new impression, be more outgoing, not be the shy one. But no, I can't change my nature. No matter how hard I try.

So what do I do? I don't know. You tell me. I think just putting it out there and talking about my feelings will help, at least a little. You have to be okay with yourself. It's important that you are just okay with yourself and accept the way you are.

cheers!

Jennie is one that has been so excited for me. Mike's year mark is this week and she has been so happy for me as we have crept up on it. She has been getting into videography and we talked about doing a video for the year mark. Last night, we finally made it happen! It was such a special night and I am so grateful for the friendship we have. It was special going to all of M and I's places. We even went to Ensign Peak for the first time since Mike left and it was so surreal. What a special night full of laughs, memories, and tears. In the video, I am going to be reading a letter, so we were filming me reading last night. When I got down, I look up and Jennie is crying. Her boy, Will just left over a week ago, so she's having all of those feelings that I once had -- "Is this ever going to end?" I am so glad I have a waiting buddy now. I love her and I love Mike. And I am grateful for all of the wonderful people in my life.

It was sort of hard letting the twelve balloons go at the end of the night because I sort of grew attached to them. And that has me thinking. I am so happy to be hitting the year mark, but it's sort of weird and hard to let those twelve months go. So much happened. We both grew in so many ways. We grow closer together. Letting those twelve balloons go as we let these twelve months go and I couldn't be more proud and so so happy. What a relief. We are making it.

Video to come -- Oh, and more blogging of course. 

m i l e s t o n e s

A year ago today I was in Wyoming with Mike's family. It was such a wonderful trip and I am so grateful I was able to tag along. I want to talk about a really hard night. But one I will remember forever. I think it was our last night in Wyoming, in fact. Mike was about to go back to his room and Erika and I were telling him to stay just a little longer. Erika looks at her countdown app. and yells, "14 days, 14 days!" That was all he had left, just fourteen days. It really kind of hit me. I walked Mike out. He was exhausted and ready to sleep. When I went out, I hugged and kissed him goodnight, but I told him that I was just going to sit outside for a bit just to think. He told me he didn't want me out there and then I just kind of broke down. We ended up sitting out there for about an hour while I had a really embarrassing full-on bawl fest. I guess Erika could hear it all happening from inside and assumed we were breaking up or something. Haha. After about an hour I told Mike to just go in to bed and I would calm down and then go in with Erika. I didn't want to go in at that point to make her sad, too. But I guess she already was in the room bawling, little did we know. So Mike went in with her to explain what was happening (since he insisted that I didn't stay out there alone) and then they came and got me and we all sat on the bed in a huge pile of tears. At that point, Mike was bawling, too. 

Erika and I ended up staying up until about five in the morning just talking and talking, talking about everything, anything we could think of. The whole night was hard, just so hard. But it was also special and important. And now it's been a year, a year since that day and we can say, "14 days, 14 days!" Just fourteen days until the year mark. Isn't that amazing? Time flew, honestly. I really thought it would snail by and practically kill me. But it surprised me.  

I made it and now, now it's easy. (Just fourteen days and then it's easy, down the roller coaster we go. And that? That's the fun part.) 

Here's to a special day and celebrating milestones. 

cherry picker

My dad tricked me into being the "cherry picker" by telling me that it would make a good work snack. Who does that? I probably have bugs all over in my hair. But I guess it was worth it. Cherries are practically coming out our ears.

Let's talk about this weekend. It actually turned out to be a wonderful one. I have to admit that I was a little bit down and skeptical at first because my lovely family was leaving me stranded here all alone, going to Lake Powell. I was stuck here because of work obligations. Payt stayed back, too, but I was aware that I wouldn't see her much because I'll let you guess. Has to do with a boy. Anywho - I spent Friday relaxing and okay, I guess I spent some time at Target (shocker). Saturday was actually very productive. I shopped at Winco (even got stalked by a creepo), planned my church lesson, took a lonnnng nap, got M's package together, *attempted* to do ILP training (for China), got Father's Day gifts together, and some other things I can't remember. It was lovely. And then my grams called me up and invited me to come stay the night since Payt went to Vegas for the night with you know who, Jordan. I really enjoyed the time with my grandparents. I love sleeping at their house and I love even more, waking up at their house. There's nothing better than chatting with your grandparents while eating breakfast. It's like when Mike said something like, "There's nothing better than eating a good breakfast with someone you love." But I miss being young. I'd stay at their house more and grandpa would feed me cereal making sure that I dunked each piece in the milk before taking a bite. I also spent the day with them Father's Day since I was still abandoned and sadly, without a father on fathers day. But it was a lovely day full of eating hot dogs, Sadie the dog choking, and watching Son of God.

Great weekend, actually!! Now, off to pick eat some cherries.

The Grandpaws

My grandpa and great grandpa always pay us a visit each summer and it is something we all love and look forward to. It's usually a week of fun, relaxing, eating out, you name it and this year was no different. They came down in June this year because they wanted to be here for Payt's graduation. I love them both so much and I am so grateful for the time we spent with them. I loved coming down for work in the morning only to see great grandpa reading his paper and eating his breakfast. He's one hilarious guy -- but everyone already knows that.

One morning I was sitting with them as they were taking their pills. I realized that I hadn't taken my vitamins in a while. To my surprise, I find my pill holder up on the top of the fridge in a sack that contained moldy juice from a banana and maggots. Yep. You heard that right. That all went in the garbage and I was left without a pill holder. *cue tears* Grandpa made it all better by finding me one giant pill holder for 25 cents at a yard sale. Yay. 

Then the next night, my great grandpa comes in my room and gives me his old, two sided pill holder. He told me not to tell grandpa, so we kept it our little secret. The day they left I came home to two rubber bands on the door knob to my room. He had left me the rubber bands to keep my pill holder shut. 

In telling my grandma the other day, we both talked about how precious it was and what a special thing it will be for me to have -- his pill holder and two rubber bands. He also left our family the sweetest note and he reminded me that I'll need to send him a postcard from China. 

I am so blessed with such wonderful people in my life. 

to discuss the harder things

Maybe I hide it well, maybe I don't. But there's something that weighs on me, something that I am working on overcoming. Back in the fall I got a few tattoos. I was really excited to say the least - ask my parents. I didn't think about it for long at all and I probably should have. But that's beside the point, because as we all know, tattoos are permanent, very very permanent. I don't want you to get the idea that I regret my tattoos. I do not regret them whatsoever. I actually avoid the "R" word, as I don't really believe that we should regret anything because at one point it made us really happy. We all grow and evolve and sometimes we change, better or worse. That is when the "R" word comes into play because we might not like or agree with the choices we once made.

Anyway, like I said, I do not regret getting my tattoos. I love them, in fact. They make me me. Now would I get tattoos today? No. But that does not mean that I didn't want them then. Because I did. And I have to support the choices that I once made with a perfectly sound mind. And just because I wouldn't choose to get them now, does not mean that I wish I didn't get them. I'm probably being really confusing.

My point is that it is hard sometimes because I get weird looks and like, "what were you thinking?" It doesn't make me feel good. I sometimes don't want people to see them because I do not want to explain them. I hate to feel judged. I hate to feel as though people think I'm a bad person because of some stupid ink on my fingers. I'm trying to get over feeling like I need to hide them. I need to work on showcasing me and not being afraid. It's hard, but I will get there.

I chose to get a triangle on my finger and it represents a strong foundation. I got "forever".... well because of Mike and I. It's our little forever. He is my best friend and my forever. I don't usually tell people that cause I'll get the, "Really? But what if things don't work out?" look. Yeah, well if things didn't work out, it was still something that was a huge part of my life and it's not his name or anything. But I don't want to explain all that to people. They usually don't ask anyway. I have one on my ankle that Madi, Tay, and I got. We put all of our letters together and made a symbol. Friends really mean a lot to me.

I was going through a harder time in my life when I got the tattoos, so maybe I wasn't totally in a sound mind. Haha but if anything, they can remind me of what I went through and what I have overcome.

So, yes, I love my tattoos.

Pardon the freshly painted fingernail nastiness and the dry hands.

Are these even Carpet Ties?

Well, M's ties arrived today. They aren't exactly what we were hoping for, not all that carpety, but they're close and I really really hope he likes them. I'll be shipping them off real soon with a sweet note and a new flavor of the Layer's gum - his favorite.

way back when

I often wonder what on earth I've gotten myself into when I'm sitting in sharing time or class and A just won't seem to behave or D won't end his prayer. But then there are times when I know why I am doing what I am doing. In sharing time, we are learning A Child's Prayer, which was one of my favorites when I was in Primary. I had totally forgotten about it until our chorister started teaching it to the children. It all came back and I remembered it perfectly. I was all of the sudden back at the Copper Hill 1st ward in the primary room, sitting in my chair quietly, my little dress and folded socks. We used to have the girls sing the first verse and the boys sing the second. I remember always being jealous of the boys because I loved their verse. I think I would sometimes sneakily sing along with them. The song always filled the room with the spirit and I felt it even at such a young age. So, I'm sitting here, twenty years old, and feeling that same spirit as I watch my sunbeams try to learn this song. It makes it all worth it -- even A smacking his bum, boogers being picked, and non-reverent yells. 

I wouldn't trade the littles for the world. It was even kind of hilarious when I walked outside after church yesterday and my dress completely blew all the way up. Then I tried to walk home while holding my dress down. Um then I couldn't cross the road so my dad had to come save me. 

It's a good life. 

Beached Elder Requests Carpet Tie

Conch Burgers - AKA Nasty Snail Burger

Today Mike sent me an email in response to the one I had sent Sunday evening. We usually chat, so I was a little disappointed, but it was a good email. So that's okay! In the email he asked me about a tie I had gotten him for Christmas. He called it the "Carpet Tie." (It's wool, but maybe he doesn't realize.) I started looking for more "Carpet Ties" and I actually stumbled across this awesome shop and I ordered him a few "carpet ties." A few hours later, I'm sitting at work and he emails saying he's online. HUH? Okay, so I told him I had a surprise. But he hates surprises, so I told him about the "carpet ties." He was really excited. 

And I'm pretty jealous of the beach day, too. What a rad mission. 

14

Kay guys, hi. Um pinch me while I scream, but month fourteen is DONE. If you count that correctly, that means only one month left until the year mark. Also, we are out of the 400's, which is HUGE.

It's actually been an extremely quick month - one that I thought would be long. Mike and I were able to Skype this month, which helped us out a lot because I think we were both in a bit of a rut for a few weeks before that. Things really could not be better since then and I am so grateful. I think my prayers were answered. I just needed some mental peace and I have gotten it.

This month I finished my almost last semester at SLCC. It was a big relief and I passed with really good grades that I am proud of. I have been able to relax a lot more this month with school being out (phew). I felt like I was going at full speed there for a while. This month I started teaching the sunbeams with my sister and I have really enjoyed that. I have been reading the Book of Mormon and that has really been a good experience for me. I've learned so much already. Target has been my go-to. When I'm feeling down, I go there, and then I spend money. Um maybe not a good go-to? Also I turned all of my travel documents in for China which makes the whole thing very very official. I couldn't be more excited.

Mike has been loving the Bahamas. He enjoys his AC and the car that they get to drive around. But they still walk a ton. He tells me that things have been slow there, that a ton of people work during the day, so that's when it's the slowest. There is a boy, Tyrone, who they have been teaching and Mike is very excited about his journey. Brother McKenzie from Negril was able to get baptized this past week and Mike was really excited about that. I admire Mike for his constant positive attitude. I really love the person he is becoming.

I'm done with my goofy monthly pictures. I really hated taking those. But I will continue with the monthly memory. This is a favorite, of course. We went with my family to the Manti Pageant in June before he left. My mom dropped us two off to save some seats. Us being the weirdos we are, we totally cut everyone and their puppies in line. Yes, we were in the front, not a single soul in front of us. Totally unfair to the people who had been camping out all day (kidding.. maybe?). We awaited the opening of the gates as I told him our game plan. When the gates opened, we would run to the front and throw the blanket and save the very best seats. Well, he agreed. But when the gates opened, he did the opposite. I started to run and he did not, so I grabbed his arm and was dragging him as he was doing his funny, weird, slow, I don't even know what to call it, run. Yeah, so I let go and went on. Things like that just make me love him so much - his hilarity. 

So we have one month left until the year mark. Wow. Can I say that I am freaking out? This time is going by so fast. 13 months left, Mikey! 

Please Stay, Weekend

I'm kinda tired, well, really tired. But I just don't want this weekend to end. It's been a good one. I don't want to complain too much but I am having some issues with my neck and I have been for the past weekish. It appears to maybe, possibly be on the mend, but it sucks. I don't even know what happened, but it hurts to turn it.

On a positive note, besides attending the Dreamathon with my sister, I also went to a wedding for some good friends, Alex and Jordan. It was beautiful. They entertained us with the "Dirty Dancing" dance. It was hilarious. Made me think of when Mike and I played around with the idea of doing "the lift" at our wedding, but then he chickened out and thought he wasn't strong enough. Who knows, maybe we still will. I also attended the Fallen Brothers night at Cyprus - all about suicide awareness and things like that (the things people don't like to talk about). I taught my precious Sunbeams and my good friend Kylee and I attended a fireside tonight. Elder Callister spoke AND we got to shake his hand. Kylee very-near had a heart attack. It was nice to catch up with her, my good elementary and junior high BFF.

It's been an inspiring weekend, to say the least. Now it's back to work tomorrow - Mr. Kelsey's probably sitting by his phone waiting on my call.

Dreamathon

The Dreamathon was put on by a group of dreamers. They took the old abandoned Granite High and gathered local artists to create something so moving, something all about dreaming. I took Ash with me. We had to stop for our favorite, mango pineapple smoothies first. It was such a wonderful day. We all have a dreams -- we just need to remember to follow them.