a little thing to mention, I guess

I've been really reflecting lately. I think I have social anxiety. I am not sure if that's even a thing. I could google it and all of these things might pop up, throwing me into a several-hour research session. I think I'll save that for another day. It's something I have really struggled with... since I can remember. It's just my nature and I hate it. There, I said it. If there was something I would get rid of or change, it would be that. But the thing is, is that it is only with certain people. It's certain personalities that I just don't go well with. There are certain groups that I feel comfortable with and certain groups that I don't. I just don't feel comfortable in my own skin sometimes. Sometimes I can be very outgoing, sometimes I want to crawl in a hole. It all depends. But there are some things that I do that have led me to diagnose myself with this dreadful uhhhh thing. Sometimes I pretend to talk on the phone, just so I'm not ya know, there. People don't bother you if you're "on the phone." I avoid people sometimes. I go different ways, longer ways, so I don't have to chance running into one of those personalities. I absolutely hate going to events or whatever you want to call them alone. I dread it. I can't walk into a room full of people alone. It's just not me. I have to have someone with me. Well, depending on the group. Of course I can walk in alone when it's people I'm close to. And ya know, I do enjoy doing things alone. I hate to feel like a burden. And that's something else, now that I think of it. I always feel like a burden to people, so I usually figure things out on my own or I don't initiate things. Hmm.

But yeah, it's just that I don't feel comfortable in my own skin most of the time and it's the worst feeling to have. It leads to lots of unhealthy, negative feelings towards myself. I once talked to my friend Taylor and she was the only one I have been able to relate with on this matter. We talked about how we get excited for new classes, new jobs, fresh starts. That way, we can start fresh and make a new impression, be more outgoing, not be the shy one. But no, I can't change my nature. No matter how hard I try.

So what do I do? I don't know. You tell me. I think just putting it out there and talking about my feelings will help, at least a little. You have to be okay with yourself. It's important that you are just okay with yourself and accept the way you are.