my year, my 2015

I always write these "new year" posts where I write about everything that has happened in the past year. I usually cry and laugh and smile, thinking back on all of the memories. I honestly didn't know if 2015 would get a post because blogging has really taken the back burner this past year, seeing that I haven't blogged since Natalie got married in June. Wow, I'm really slacking. But here I am.

This has been an extremely hard and trying year. But through all of the hardships and pain, I have also seen glimpses of happiness and complete peace. I have learned many lessons, lessons I didn't even realize that I needed to learn. But I believe that I have come out stronger and that I will take these lessons as I walk through life and hold them near my heart, never forgetting what I have learned from them. Dare I say I am grateful for trials?

What a grand year it has been. I'm going to be very real here for a minute as I reflect on my year in this very unorganized paragraph fashion... Here goes. 

My year. I said goodbye to one of my very best friends, Jennie, as she set off for her mission in March to Nashville. We all grieved over grandma's death in our own ways. I went on a Mexican cruise with my family. I nannied two little boys, Bill and Jake the whole spring semester. I watched grandpa try to settle into his new life without grandma by his side - his best friend, his lover - gone. I dove into my teaching program, not realizing the intensity it would hold. I wore my salt water sandals and rain boots all too often. I finished my second semester in the teaching program at UVU. I got to spend time in some wonderful elementary classes, the children all reminding me why I chose to be a teacher in the first place. I have cried, a lot. I have second-guessed my major. I continued the procrastination of getting my other bunion removed. I spent a lot of time with my family, in which I am so grateful. I continued writing Mike. The grandpas came to visit us for Payt's wedding in the summer. Great grandpa almost missed the wedding because he lost his glasses. I made a music video with my best friends for my 21st birthday. I spent a good amount of time riding the front runner back and forth for school spring semester. I wrote my best friend, Jennie, a lot - sharing anything and everything with her, hoping she could give me great advice, or just fix my life. I went on random dates, some good, some awkward. Mike returned home from his mission and things weren't the same. I've spent a lot of time on the phone with people I love. I bought bed sheets with bunnies (in sweaters) on them. I spent a weekend at Bryce canyon with grandpa, Davis, mom, and Patty. Grandpa took us on the scenic route to get home, doubling the drive. Grandpa told us so many cool stories. We spent a lot of time in Payt and Jord's hot tub, on cold nights. I moved in with my best friend, Natalie, for three weeks before she got married in June. I passed all of my college classes. I planned two bridal showers, one for my sissy and one for my best friend. I watched a best friend struggle though boy problems and have tried my best to help her through. I nannied for two other families during the summer, but then had to give all three up for a real job. I have spent loads of time driving and have learned to love it so much as it's a time for me to think and just be. I bought my grandma and grandpa's car. I went to the Taylor Swift concert with my best friends and Taylor Swift said all of the right words to change my life. I started working at OneExchange again in July and got promoted in August. My faith became really strong for part of the year, but then became really weak. I lost my best friend, my love, the person I thought I'd spend my life with. I bawled my eyes out at the T Swift concert. I wore my converse a lot. I went to a lot of $5 Tuesday movies with ST. I had to pick up all of my broken pieces off of the ground. I fell in love, again, way too fast. My friends and I went on the most dramatic camping trip in the fall, it literally was a mess. I didn't feel that great about myself. I missed China and talked about it a lot. I watched my baby sister walk down the aisle and marry her best friend. I lost something that I can never get back. I gained a new brother. My heart was broken, again. I lost people whom I considered family. I started photography and bought a nice camera. I got a Tinder. I sat and sat and sat and thought and thought and thought, a lot. My China sisters and I had a reunion in St. George in August and we loved each other harder than ever. I slept at Payt and Jordan's a lot. I bought a lot of picture books for my future classroom. I wrote in my journal. I started Grey's Anatomy, but didn't finish. I chopped my hair off and then regretted it. I para-sailed in Mexico. I was the photographer for my sister's wedding. I laughed a lot. I made really good friends in my cohort. I rang in the New Year with my best friends at the Arvo party. I took a dance class, the first one in three years. I started liking eggs, sunny-side up. I learned to cherish my family and friends more. 

It was a year I will probably never forget, a year where I learned and grew as a person, more than ever before. I am walking into this next year hopeful. I'm hopeful it won't be so painful and there won't be so many lessons I have to learn, but who knows. I am walking into it with open eyes and a patched up heart. And I hope that instead of looking back on this year as a really hard one, I can remember all of the great memories, because it has also been a really wonderful one at the same time.

I really try to be present at all times, but this year, I will try even harder.

Now truly is now. It is all we have, so live in it.

to my best friend on her wedding day

I can hardly believe that we have come to this day. I remember meeting you in junior high, thinking how adorable you were with your bleached blonde hair and your bright outfits. I remember thinking that I wanted to be your friend. Little did I know how much of an impact you would have on my life. I did not know how much of an example you would be to me. I didn't know that I would need you a little later on when I would pee my pants at a party and need a friend to stay back with me while I dried my pants swinging on the park swing. 

That's the thing. 

I didn't know. I didn't know how lucky I would be. 

You're incredible. You're everything I could ever want or need in a best friend. You're everything I'm not and you help me in ways I can't even comprehend. I love the way you live your life. The way you live it to the absolute fullest, not worrying what others think. You are you. You're weird and I'm weird and we can laugh with each other. I think back to the times when we were younger. We would think about the day when we would get married. We talked about how great that day would be and who would be first out of all of us best friends. I guess our question is answered. It's you. You've found your soulmate, your best friend, your shoulder to cry on, your love. And I could not be happier. Dallas makes you the happiest girl and I could not be more grateful for him. He will take care of you. I know it. 

I've been living with you for the past few weeks now, keeping you company in the place that will soon become a home to newlyweds, you and Dal. You guys will grow, you will learn, and you will create a home together, a life together. How lucky I have been to be able to spend time with you as you prepare for the best day of your life. The day that will change your life forever, in the best way possible. We have talked and laughed and not slept. I don't think you can understand what this time has meant to me. I have thought a lot about how things will change once you get married. That is why I am so glad I made the decision to come live with you. Last night, as I was packing up my stuff, you said something to me about how it was sad that I was packing up and that it was my last night. I had to bite my cheeks so my tears wouldn't stain my cheeks. I walked back into the closet and saw all of Dallas' shoes laying on the floor. I thought about the new life you were about to start. And I thought about how much things would change. 

From the bottom of my heart I thank you for the time we have spent together. Now, it's almost your wedding day and I can't quite grab hold of my thoughts. But I want you to know what you mean to me. I want you to know how happy I am for you. Please know that. Hold on to Dallas. Cherish him. Love him at his best and worst. Laugh with him. Cry with him. He's your best friend. 

I love you, Natalie. 

Happy wedding day! 

the ones who love you best

People get busy for each other. Friends get busy for each other. But family. It is family who is always there. I have been able to spend a lot of good quality time with my family lately and it has been so wonderful. The memories are what I cherish. Like, last night we played a round of PIG at Patty's request after a nice BBQ meal, or the nights I have been helping Ash with her math homework and we will laugh so hard SHE pees (not me, finally), or when Patty shows us what he has built on mine craft, or when we talk wedding plans for P and J, or when we wash cars together -- all of it. My family is the best.

We have been going through a bit of a rough patch lately. Davis has been having a hard time and it has been a very big trial on our family. I'm grateful we are pulling through it, holding each other's hearts, and pulling through it. I hope Davis can come home and be with our family soon.

I love you guys.

gonna get married

My baby sister is going to get married, for crying out loud. The date is set, the barn is scheduled, the DRESS is bought. There is planning to do, fun to be had, and memories to make.

August 22, 2015. That is the date that my sister will become his forever. Jordan's forever. I'm not entirely going with it... I'm just kidding. Jordan is a great guy and I'm pretty stoked to get another brother.

Today, Payt chose her dress. She tried on several, all of them being so beautiful, that she could not choose. But it always went back to this one, the one we were all calling the "Barny" one because she said it went well with her barn theme. She could not get it out of her head. And I guess when you know, you know. The whole day was so fun, just like I imagined it would be. She got to ring the bell and everything once she chose and of course tears were shed... from mom. I had to pinch myself. It's also her birthday and I was saying, what better of a day could she have had! She found her dress and it is her birthday. I love her so much. She was my first sibling, my first sister. She's not only a sister, but a best friend. 

And I couldn't be happier for her. 

farewell for real

Well tonight Jennie had everyone over to say goodbye because believe it or not, she leaves tomorrow morning. I am so sad, yet so happy for her. It's very bitter-sweet. She made yummy lemonade ice cream cake and her mom made roast. It was all so good!

Jennie is the best. She's the kind of friend that everyone wants and needs. She's there. And I don't just mean there, but she is really there. She listens and cares so much. Jennie is constantly striving to be a better person, setting new goals for herself all the time. I traveled to China with her this fall and we became so close as we shared a bed some nights, took clear glass showers, stayed up wayy too late because bugs liked to crawl on us at night, I peed on her, we traveled, we got lost on purpose, and most of all we lived. We went on such a grand adventure together and I am forever grateful for China because one thing it brought me was an amazing friendship.

I got in my car after we said goodbye and just started bawling realizing that I won't have her around these next 18 months and I don't know how I am going to survive. I love my Dennie and as sad as I am that she is leaving, I am excited to be gaining another pen pal.

HB

I think I am overwhelmed with all of the love and things I need to blog about, that I have procrastinated it so much. So, here I am, going to try to write this blog post.

I am so grateful. 

I had such a wonderful birthday -- the big 21. 

My parents and Patty took me to Benzai Tepanyaki on Friday and it was delicious. Mom and dad got sushi and Patty and I got ham fried rice and sesame chicken. YUM. I had a fun weekend with the girls. It was so great to spend so much time with them. Kale salad, Madi, Natalie, and Tay all came over Friday night and we made homemade pizzas with alfredo sauce, pepperoni, chicken from a can, and artichokes. The pizza turned out amazing! I got to tell everyone my "carpet story" from China and none of them thought it was funny. But they did think it was funny that I thought it was so funny. LOL. We wanted to go sit in Payt's hot tub, so we made the trip over there, catching Natalie up on good songs on the way. They saw Payt's apartment and when we went to go get in the hot tub, it was CLOSED. We were all very bummed, but Jennie was waiting for us at her house, so it was okay. When we got there, we asked each other the 36 questions to make you fall in love, which ended up being really cool and we didn't even fall in love with each other. GOOD THING. Haha. But it was fun and got pretty deep at times. We slept in Jennie's guest room and it was wonderful because we all got beds. Oh, and I can't forget that Jennie got us some Hershey pie which was to die for. I had to take Nat home early so she could babysit her cousins and Tay had to leave around ten, so I didn't get much sleep. Tay was begging me to make the cinnamon rolls, and then Kale was. So I had to get up. Those dang early risers. We made cinnamon roll waffles, thanks to Madi's idea! Jennie, Madi, and I just hung out after that and Madi did our hair and we had some good chats. Once everyone was done with their other priorities, we all headed downtown and made a music video! 

Watch our music video here. Thanks to Jennie, we were able to create a wonderful memory before she leaves on March 11! 

We had Spaghetti Factory after that, and someone actually paid for Jennie's meal and my meal. But I think it was a lady that was there who Jennie and Natalie knew and they meant to pay for Nat, not me. So we all just split the last two checks. Half off meals for all! Thanks to whoever was the generous soul. We had game night later at Madi and Ryan's and we played catch phrase, scum, and whoosh. All of the games were so fun, but I kind of sucked at the two card games. I did enjoy being the scum with Jennie all rounds of the Scum game. We even got to sit in the comfy scum chair together. ("Dennie's got lakes!!") 

My actual birthday birthday was Monday, March 2nd. It was a great day. School, then nannying for a bit (eating Jimmy John's and donuts to celebrate with Jake and William), then I came home to friends and family. We got Menchie's, played Catch Phrase and drank some Martinelli's. So many people reached out to me to wish me a happy birthday and so many people made me feel loved. That is what is so great about birthdays, is the love you are shown. I am beyond blessed with such amazing people in my life. My mom gave me these beautiful birthday flowers. :) Mikey had even left me a birthday card when he left for this birthday, so it was great being able to FINALLY open it. It was wonderful. 

I even got to celebrate AGAIN on Wednesday because my dad was not off on my actual birthday. Grandpa came over and my mom made a lovely dinner - some Olive Garden soup and blueberry streusel. It was all so good. My family sang to me again! 

Birthdays are fun and I think it makes it even better and more worthwhile because it only comes once a year. I had the best birthday and I am grateful for everyone who made it so special. 

Here's to being young and 21!!

Farewell, Sister Case

Jennie had her farewell today and I am getting worried about her leaving now. This is getting real. I can't have another best friend leave. I just got one back and I'll be getting Mike back in July. I thought all of this waiting was over. But it's not, and I honestly could not be more proud of Jennie. She is ready to get out there and change people's lives. She's the best. Jennie is such a great speaker and I felt the spirit so strongly today as she gave her farewell talk. She will be such an amazing missionary. It was great seeing everyone come together for her, so of course we had to take some fun pictures. 

I have such wonderful friends and I am reminded of that constantly. And guess who else joined me this day... JAKE AND WILLIAM. They were actually pretty good and were excited to meet everyone. I also took them to hang out at my house afterwards and they met my cat and caused mischief of all different kinds. 

Jennie is going to do wonderful things. Looks like I lost Natalie as a pen pal, but I have gained another. Hurrah!

Love you, Wennie, Dennie, etc. 

everywhere we go

It seems like everywhere I take these two lately, we make a scene. Today we were at IKEA and I actually sped walked through the entire maze there to just keep them entertained. But then when I got to the duvet section, I decided that I wanted one, so while I was looking, of course the boys were going CRAZY. They were in the tiniest cart and kept hurting each other and just making a complete scene. Yet, I still got them cinnamon rolls at the end. Funny thing is... they always talk about how they make a scene, but still do it.

Kids. 

k's nanny life

Nanny life is going lately. I've actually kind of been struggling a little, losing my patience faster. They have been sick and misbehaving a lot, so I feel exhausted. I have a week off after today and it is much needed! But I am remembering to be grateful even through struggles, grateful for such an amazing job. Cheers to my week off! Time for me to reconnect with myself and others (and catch up on sleep).

To BE

Life is kind of weird sometimes. We go through different phases in life and then we leave them. We go through harder times and then those hard times escape us in return for happy times. We all struggle, whether we will admit it or not. And I think sometimes admitting it is the first step to progressing. This past year I really struggled with a lot of things, one of them being my faith. I struggled to know what I actually believed. I struggled to find the place I want to be in my life. I struggled to find peace. And in the meantime, I neglected relationships, I felt bitter, I felt exhausted, I felt defeated, and I was not a good friend. Certain relationships were neglected more than others. I really neglected my best friend and in the midst of both of our struggles, we almost lost each other. We forgot what each of us needed from the other, we forgot how to act, we forgot how to love unconditionally. 

And I think most unfortunately, I forgot what it meant to be a good friend. 

Now I look back on these harder times, the times of struggle, and I have found peace and happiness. I am grateful for the harder times because I believe that it made me a better person and friend. It shook me into place and opened my eyes. Finally. I have learned began to learn what it means to be a true friend. I feel at peace with the relationships with my friends and I feel that I have come so far (although I know I still have a long way to go). To be a true friend, you have to accept accept accept. You have to CUT SLACK. You have to validate feelings and listen. It's important to remember that it is always better to listen than to be heard. You have to be interested. You cannot choose to not acknowledge things that you may not agree with. You must make people feel of worth and bring them up, not down. You must serve and be selfless. You should be able to be honest with them and share your opinions and beliefs with them. You should respect them. You must keep up with your friends and make time for them, giving them your undivided attention. 

You must love them, love them with all your heart. NO MATTER WHAT. 

my best friend M

This girl right here, she is my best friend. She seriously gets me like no one else. She's such a light in my life, someone I go to for seriously everything because she understands. To say that I am grateful for her would be such an understatement. She brings out the best in me, she lets me cry with her, laugh until I pee with her, she lets me talk to her about anything and somehow knows exactly what to say, she trusts me, she's everything. I have been blessed with such amazing friends and she is one of them, the one I have grown up with, the one I have done everything with. Last night we sat in my car and we laughed and cried together and it felt so good. I think it was what we both needed. It's times like that that I will cherish forever

Madi, I love you.  

always there

I think more often than not, we all have a feeling of being alone - whether it is feeling alone in your life, alone in your thoughts, alone in your busyness, alone in a group of people. Whatever it is, I think we have all felt that way at one point or another. And I think it is important that we remember that He is always there. Always. He knows us better than anyone else. He has been in our shoes. He is there waiting for us to reach out to him. 

I am so blessed in my life and I often times get so in the routine of everyday life that I forget to stop and be thankful for all of my blessings I have been given. And I also forget that others need me. I pray every day that I will be led to someone who needs my help. 

I'm so grateful for my Savior.

Chopped

All I can say is WOW, I really need to step up my game. I did so well at blogging last year, but this year I have struggled a little. Not too much, but I'd like to be a little better. Life has been great lately, just enjoying my life on the rails, being a mom, etc, etc...

Let's see... First thing is first. I CHOPPED MY HAIR OFF and dyed it. Well, technically Payt did. But yeah. It's gone. I love it, but do miss my long hair sometimes. Simple year meant simpler me. 

Jennie and I took a trip to the airport because... my best friend Natalie has returned, safe and sound and boy is it good to have her back... although I have not seen her since the day she got home. I hope that changes. I know she has been spending lots of time with her family, which is important but I am excited to spend some time with her, too. She is amazing and so happy. Natalie served and loved the people of Roseville and they will forever remember her in their hearts. She's the best and I'm glad I get to call her my best friend. I've missed her. But I do have to say that I will miss having a best friend as a pen pal. I sure do love those handwritten letters. 

We celebrated daddy's birthday this weekend with bowling on Saturday with grandpa and then the Superbowl on Sunday. I think he really enjoyed his birthday this year because the Pats WON. He was so excited. I think he had the best birthday yet. I am so grateful for my dad and the amazing man he is. He does so much for our family. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, dad. 

And then it's all about my mom life that I now live... well, part-time. I found out this past week that Bill's real name is William and boy was that good news. I have kind of been weirded out by a kid with the name Bill, so I am glad I get to call him Will and William now. Their spanish is coming along quite nicely. William told me that the other day at school he said "por favor" to the lunch lady and talk about a proud moment for me. We enjoy taking picnics in the cold with rotisserie chickens, swimming, going to the Natural Curiosity Museum, filming slow motion videos, using my teacher skills on them (as they call it), giving them extra and dextra credit (don't ask), and anything else that we can think of. I sure do love my Jake and Willy. 

That's what I have been up to lately. In between, I guess I do homework and study (maybe). I really hate studying. It's something that I just really dread and frankly, don't do much of. But somehow I survive. I am absolutely loving my program at UVU and I love the school. I also love my cohort and I am glad I will be spending my next two years with them. Can't believe I am already a month done with this semester! Time is flying. 

Mikey will be home in just five months. Insane. Absolutely insane.